At 10 am on Monday, November 30 the Modern Languages building at the University of Waterloo disappeared with a mighty rumbling, slurping sound. The University continued its longstanding tradition of never closing despite placing students in potentially mortal danger. Several Tim Hortons’ employees have been lost but luckily since the opening of the Starbucks in the new science building, few students actually make it to ML before 11. One arts student was found embracing the arts mascot, Porcellino, who narrowly escaped the slurping fate of ML. “You know, it is really unfortunate about those employees, but you know, literature tells us that these kinds of things happen all the time. I just feel lucky neither my friends nor I was in there! At least Porcellino here was alright!”
Plant Ops came by around 10:30 am and surrounded the gaping hole of sparking, steaming rubble with sufficient amounts of caution tape to keep gaping arts students out. At a press conference at 11 am, Waterloo’s President, wearing a spiffy suit and black suit jacket embroidered with the school logo, assured students that “the geology department is looking into it, and they are 85% sure the rest of the students will be safe.” He also encouraged students to go about as usual because “after all, the Engineering department can’t miss out on teaching hours because accreditation is at stake.”
Meanwhile, in a separate press conference, Laurier’s president, wearing his standard issue Canadian plaid flannel jacket, appeared before media at 10:30 am. “Given the concerning rumblings that were heard from up the hill, it has been decided to close the university as a precautionary measure. We give our sincere condolences to the University of Waterloo community for the loss of such a vibrant and important part of their campus.” He was also heard to remark “What!? UW has an arts department!?”
Later that day Plant Ops released a joint statement with the president’s office assuring students that ML would be cleaned up sometime in the New Year, probably by the end of February 2016, but possibly by as late as 2017. Engineering students requiring more materials for end of term projects or FYDP are encouraged to pillage the rubble for supplies. Students are reminded to wear proper PPE including steel-toed boots, a hard hat, safety glasses, hearing protection and gloves to prevent possible electrocution.
As of this article going to press the geology department’s prediction is holding strong, we’re all 85% safe, 15% sinking into despair…
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