*** The Tin Soldier is intended to be a humorous and entertaining look at issues and events at the University of Waterloo. As such articles should not be taken to represent real events or opinions, and they should not be associated with the University of Waterloo staff or administration in any way. Any similarities to real world events, people or corporations is purely coincidental – or non-coincidental but meant in an entirely joking manner.***
For Big Mother gave her only daughter, Big Sister, that we might see the face of divinity always watching over us. Big sister watches over us from her lofty positon as Supreme Information Control, where she carefully censors and tweaks the news before distributing it for all to see. For in the beginning, when there was nothing, there was Big Mother and Big Sister, together with the glorious EngSoc. They created the world and everything in it, taking the brave peoples of Waterloo to be their own. Even today, Big Mother and Big Sister are eternally looking after us, improving our lives through their ministries.
The Ministry of Coffee works tireless to provide more coffee, pastries, and good, wholesome food. In the last year, the IngSoc has brought the price of coffee down to $5.00 per cup, while providing up to 2 doughnuts to every individual per month! We have never had it this good. Praise be to EngSoc, may it be ever more resourceful and inventing, as it was in inventing co-op, the cloud, and calculus.
The Ministry of Education is perhaps the most obvious useful ministry to you, the lower party. It touches every part of your life with Big Mother’s careful caress. The Ministry of Education organizes the frequent and reliable buses which take you to work and school every day. It was through this ministry that Big Sister implemented her revolutionary idea of moving to massive 20 page newspapers, that everyone might have the ability to learn more about the victories of IngSoc and the sacrifices which Big Mother makes on a daily basis for the good of her people.
The Ministry of Sleep is the most well-appreciated ministry of them all, and for good reason. Nevertheless, the sacrifices they undergo are often ignored and go unnoticed to your pathetic eyes. Big Sister places the sleep of her Plummers above all else. This is why she keeps her team working late into the night, consolidating all the literature EngSoc produces into an easy-to-read format, so that members of EngSoc can read more quickly and have more time to relax. But the duties of the Ministry of Sleep do not end there; they also make sure that all party members have safe, affordable housing which is eternally in sufficient supply and ready when it is needed, that they may sleep easy.
So remember how thankful you are to EngSoc, comrades! Remember how Big Mother protects us every day from the evils of this world. She sends the criminals and dissentients to the mysterious place known as RCH 101, where they are rehabilitated in a process known only as ‘PHYS 115 Midterm’—the details of which we are mercifully spared. Honour her by remembering the truths she taught you: PASS IS FAIL. REJECTION IS EMPLOYMENT. Am doubleplusgood member and helpful party!
Leave a Reply