Look, Take Five is a pretty lowbrow movie column. I rate movies that I want to watch. Maybe one day I’ll delve into the French arthouse cinematography scene, but right now I’m at the point in the term where I can’t be bothered to use more than 10% of my maximum brainpower in trying to understand and interpret a movie.
This part of the term also coincides with the summer blockbuster season, but like I said, I hardly have time to even write this column and I have a class on the Tuesday discount nights, so I haven’t watched any of the big movies this summer yet.
This leads to classic summer blockbusters. I want a movie with likeable protagonists. I want a movie with minimal moral ambiguity. I want attractively filmed explosions.
Here are five movies I consider to be the absolute best post-final popcorn movies.
Independence Day (1996)
Classic tentacle aliens invade earth and blow up the White House. Will Smith is a fighter pilot, and Jeff Goldblum is a computer scientist from MIT. They fight aliens, because 1996 computer technology is totally compatible with extraterrestrial software.
I’ve been saving this one for a while, because it is possibly the easiest popcorn movie. The plot has global yet simple consequences. The characters are many, but distinguishable, with minor but memorable subplots. The morality is black and white. It also has Will Smith, who is the only black actor who is indubitably the protagonist of every movie he shows up in.
This is the number one movie to watch when you don’t know what you want to watch: if you lack the willpower and energy to decide for yourself, this probably falls within your mental capabilities and is unlikely to offend any of your delicate sensitivities like Michael Bay.
Gladiator (2000)
Emperor Marcus Aurelius is murdered and succeeded by his cruel and incompetent son, Commodus. General Maximus Decimus Meridius refuses to grant his loyalty by Commodus, so Commodus sends soldiers to kill him and his family. The plot fails, but Maximus is captured by slave traders and becomes a vengeful gladiator.
It’s appropriate that one of the best blockbusters is based on historical spectacles, though history didn’t really go down the way that it did in film. Marcus Aurelius actually died of plague, and Commodus’s actual murderer was his personal trainer, who strangled him in a bathtub. His assassination was followed by the Year of the Five Emperors, in which five claimants to the title of Emperor attempted to bribe and murder their way to the throne. I’d like to see The Year of the Five Emperors as a movie.
Until then, we can settle happily for Russell Crowe shouting in the middle of the colosseum. I think this fully deserved the 5 Oscars it won, since it’s a sensitive blockbuster that successfully combines its quiet, emotional scenes with amazing action sequences. The only part of the movie I felt didn’t work was Hans Zimmer’s score: I couldn’t hear it without thinking of the Pirates of the Caribbean. Fo shame, man. Get yourself some new action motifs.
Star Wars (1977)
After the accidental acquisition of droids with some classified information, Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) is swept up in a space rebellion ironically led by Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) which plots to destroy the Death Star space station.
Star Wars, which was followed by two sequels, three prequels, and another trilogy of sequels, was instrumental in the propagation of special effects in the medium of film. This led to better onscreen explosions. Star Wars also paved the way for trilogies so that producers could make more money with fewer ideas.
Look, I guess I’m just not as big a fan of Star Wars. The story is great but the acting and pacing are somewhat suboptimal, and the special effects have not aged well. It’s not my first choice for a nice, popcorn-brained movie session.
Jaws (1975)
A shark filmed by Stephen Spielberg menaces the beach, ruining the tourist economy of the nearby town. Robert Shaw, Richard Dreyfuss, and Lorraine Gary play the men sent to kill the shark.
Jaws was literally the first summer blockbuster. Before Jaws, there were only blockbusters that happened to be released in the summer. After Jaws, distributors planned their releases around the July 4th long weekend, and actively sought to replicate the success of previous action movies appealing to the lowest common denominator. As a result of it all, Spielberg became criticized for possibly ruining the spirit of creativity of 70s filmmaking.
But Jaws was still totally, totally worth it.
Head to head, I think that Jaws wins over a similar movie, Alien (1979). Although I couldn’t name any of the three teuteroganists beyond nice guy / nice guy / dickhead, I thought their strategy for killing the shark to be more complex and interesting than Ripley’s strategy for neutralizing the xenomorph. Furthermore, I found the suspense in Jaws to exceed that in Alien, since Alien is mostly a CGI snuff film, and Jaws balances the power more evenly between man and beast. . Furthermore, the shark in Jaws to have more presence, although it’s a fin most of the time – the shark has bulk that the Xenomorph’s spindly exoskeleton can’t match.
Though this begs the question: who would win in match between a xenomorph and a great white Shark?
Top Gun (1996)
Tom Cruise is an aviator training picked for elite training at the Navy’s Fighter Weapons School, a.k.a TOPGUN.
Top Gun is an awful movie. The action scenes are filmed mainly inside the cockpits, where you can’t see where the other fighters are and the pilots are wearing helmets. I don’t buy Tom Cruise’s daddy issues for acting as a careless jerk throughout. The sex scenes have cheesy music and disconcerting closeups on Tom Cruise’s sweaty face as he humps the love interest. He should have died at the end of the movie.
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