RL 101: The Most Important Lesson You Can Learn in Engineering

RL 101 (“Real Life”): The Most Important Lesson You Can Learn in Engineering

Just a few weeks ago, I got the terrible news that nobody wants to receive: yet another good friend is gone forever. To me, he was a bright, upbeat individual. He was kind, caring and always encouraging. He was the type of person you could talk to about anything, and walk away feeling positive. And yet underneath that shining surface something was happening that none of us knew about until it was too late – he had already taken his own life. University, and modern life in general, is a breeding ground for stress, anxiety, depression, and all forms of mental health challenges that each and every one of us will unfortunately be affected by at some time and in some way.

I can’t and won’t pretend to know what it’s like to reach the level of pain that my friend got to, but I do know that it happens far more often than most of us are aware of. I also know that the most important lesson I learned in University was the one that I wish every student could learn: how to ask for help.

If “asking for help” was a course, here’s how the course outline would have looked for me (but remember… it’s a very personal “course” and each student is assigned different projects, labs, and course material. It’s a course that every person will at some point have to take, and the only criterion that must be met in order to pass the course is to get over your own excuses and ego, ignore whatever social stigma (the politically correct term for “crap”) you’ve been fed over the years, and ASK SOMEONE TO HELP YOU):

Lesson 1: Everyone is stressed.

Stress is normal… Especially in university. I mean, think about it. You’ve just had your whole life uprooted and you’re being faced with ridiculous expectations (whether by yourself or those around you) about who you should be, the marks you should get, how you should look, what you should eat, and what you should do in your spare time (or, if you’re like me, your complete lack of spare time). You may have been told that this is your “one big chance to find yourself”, and that in itself can put a lot of pressure on a person because really, who at age 17-25 really truly knows who and what they want to be for the rest of their lives? I’m 26 now and I’m still changing, learning, evolving, and “figuring things out”.

What you personally are experiencing may or may not have a clinical label or diagnosis. In many cases, it has no name. Whether what you’re dealing with has a name or not, know that everyone is struggling and this is completely normal. Anyone who claims that to not be stressed out is either a very good liar or deluding his or herself. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING “WRONG” WITH YOU AND YOU SHOULD NEVER LET ANYONE CONVINCE YOU OTHERWISE.

Lesson 2: Just because there is nothing “wrong” with you does not mean that you should not ask for help

I was a bright student. I had a great circle of friends. I was active in the Engineering Society, and I had an active volunteer and social life. I was strong and independent, and although my parents lived a few provinces away we were on very good terms and spoke on the phone often. By most measures of success I was “doing it right”. And yet I became a regular client of (now retired) Engineering Counsellor Neil Gibson.

I was actually on a co-op term in Waterloo the first time I went to see Neil – he came highly recommended by one of Engineering Counselling’s most enthusiastic and outspoken advocates at the time, my friend and roommate Jessica[AP1] . If not for her rave reviews of the counselling services available it most likely never would have occurred to me to see a counsellor. I mean, counsellors are for people who are sick, right? Not for happy, well-adjusted students like myself who are just “feeling a little bit stressed”… But thanks to Jessica’s testimony and endorsement, I walked in to the First Year Engineering office and booked my first of a long series of appointments. If it was ok for her to do it, why couldn’t I?

Lesson 3: A counsellor is not here to “fix” you or “change” you.

Within a few minutes my first appointment with Neil, I realized that my preconceptions of counselling were ridiculous. This wasn’t an episode of Dr. Phil, where some “doctor” was trying to “fix” everything that was wrong with my life. This was a visit with a real human being – someone I could trust, confide in, and talk to. Yes, he was trained in counselling, but that didn’t mean that he was going to start “treating” me with some psychological mumbo jumbo that he read in a textbook. To me, I our sessions became “a refreshing chat with a friend”. It wasn’t “therapy”. I wasn’t “seeing a shrink” or “getting cured”. I was simply sitting down for a half hour at a time and unwinding, unloading, decompressing, and refreshing my mind and preparing myself to face the next set of challenges that life and university was ready to send my way.

And you know what? It helped. After I started to see Neil I felt happier. I felt stronger. I felt more in control. Was my life any different? Not really. Had I made any dramatic life changes? Nope. Were the stresses in my life gone? Not even close! And yet somehow, I felt better equipped to handle everything that life threw my way.

Lesson 4: If it doesn’t work, try something or someone different. The important thing is to keep trying.

If I had a dollar for every time I heard someone say “I tried counselling, but it didn’t work for me,” or “My parents made me see a counsellor when I was a kid and I’m still @#$%ed up,” well, let’s just say I’d be having a much easier time paying off my student debt. Yet, in many of these situations when the student was encouraged to try a different counsellor or a different on-campus service they experienced very different results.

What many people fail to recognize is that each service and each counsellor is as unique as we are. Although every counsellor is trained to deal with a broad spectrum of people and circumstances, one counsellor’s style or one particular service will always work better on some people than it will on others. Don’t despair… there IS a service out there that is just right for you, and all you need to do is find it. The counsellor-patient relationship is a very important thing so if you don’t get the right vibe from the person you’re with don’t be afraid to check around and see who or what else is out there! I’m pretty sure your counsellor will not be offended – he or she will be happy that you are taking the necessary steps to figure out what is right for you. In fact, if you ask him or her, they will most likely be able to point you toward a person or a service that could be what you’re looking for.

Lesson 5: By helping yourself you may just be helping someone else, too.

After I began seeing Neil, I joined Jessica in her blatant advocacy of the Engineering Counselling services. I honestly don’t think Neil knew how to handle the pair of us at first, as no counsellor is supposed to acknowledge that they know who you are outside of the counselling room, much less that you are seeing them regularly. So, when Jessica and I would yell to excitedly him from the far end of the hallway saying something like, “Neil!!! Thanks for the session yesterday… I’m feeling great today” he really didn’t seem to know how to react. Over time and in our own little way, however, we began to curb the social stigma surrounding counselling.

Ok, so I’m not necessarily saying that anyone has to start advertising what they do. Your visits are your own business and you have every right to your privacy. However, I urge you all to consider your motivations behind keeping the secret, as nobody should EVER be ashamed of seeking help. After all, I turned out ok, didn’t I?

I think my proudest moment of my university career came in the form of a private e-mail from a friend who shall always remain anonymous. This friend, another “normal” and “Well-adjusted” student, had been struggling with mental health issues that the rest of us around him were completely unaware of. I did not find out until a few years later that, had I not been so outspoken about my experiences with counselling services, he may never have sought help in dealing with his own problems.

So here’s my course outline. Please reflect on the material presented. When you are ready to “enrol”, why not start working on your term project: find a service that is right for you and go ask for help!

Here are a variety of resources available to you, as UW Engineering students. This list has been provided by Kristine Meier (one of the engineering counselors)  and is, to the best of our knowledge, current and accurate. However, you can always stop by the First Year Engineering office (CPH 1320) for updated information.

Engineering Counselling:  CPH 1320 or ext 84761

Counselling Services:  Needles Hall or ext 32655

Health Services: 519 888-4096

AccessAbility Services (formerly Office for Persons with Disabilities):  Needles Hall or ext 35082

Student Success Office:  South Campus Hall or ext 84410 ( success coaches provide basic stress management and study skills support)

Distress Line:  519 745-1166

Ontario’s Post-Secondary Student Helpline:  Good2Talk.ca or 1 866 925-5454

And seriously… if none of these resources seems right for you, if you’re still uncomfortable with what to do or where to go, or if you just need to talk and don’t know who to go to, please contact me directly. I am not a mental health professional and I do not have training as a counsellor or psychiatrist or anything of the sort, but I genuinely care about you, the life that you lead and the mark that you will make on the world. If you don’t know where to turn, send me an e-mail (I’m very difficult to reach by telephone unless I am expecting your call) and we will work together to make things better.