So, the biggest change in the video game industry has finally happened – the complete co-operation of Microsoft, Sony, and Nintendo gaming divisions to produce the newest console that is sure to squash all competition. Of course, there isn’t any competition as they now have a complete monopoly on the living room console, but that is beside the point.
So how did this amazing merger come about? Well it seems that each of the big three realized that by competing with each other they were really alienating a large potential market. By making people choose between an Xbox, Playstation, or Wii (insert funny sounding name that no one knows how to pronounce until Nintendo tells us, then we just keep mispronouncing it because it is funny) they are leaving behind a large portion of the market that would buy their games if they had access to all of the consoles. Of course this benefits the consumer as well, as all the developers will now be making a single game optimized for the single console. But what how will the console work? Here is my best guess based on which company takes the lead on development:
Sony: The console will be called the Playstation 5X; it is based off of new nano-robots which work cooperatively using a hive mind (codenamed “Skynet”) – no one knows how to program it and the operators have claimed the development console is telling them to turn over control of their lives, but that is just a rumor. The system will feature motion control using the new Move 2.0 controllers combined with Kinect 2.0, and many motion based peripherals, the MoveBook, MoveCouch (for sensing how your ADHD is impacting your fidgeting and automatically switching to a new game to keep your attention). Each peripheral will of course be sold separately and certain games will require four or five of each. Additionally the console will contain the newest disc based media storage system, Purple-Ray, no one else supports or uses the standard, and it will double the price of the console at launch, but it sounds really cool doesn’t it?
Expected Games: Soldiers in Space, Soldiers in a Desert, Post-apocalyptic World Soldiers, Japanese Space RPG, Japanese Desert RPG, Japanese Post-Apocalyptic RPG, Zombies in Space, Desert Zombies, Post-Apocalyptic Zombies (this one seems a bit redundant to me, but I’m sure it will be a great seller).
Microsoft: The new console will be called the PSBox, and will be based off of tried and true PC style architecture and parts – so it will be obsolete within 3 years just like your regular PC, but its projected life-cycle is approximately 15 years. The new Kinect 2.0 camera is now combined with a pair of very thin gloves with an Iron Man style tracking light in the palm and individual motion tracking of each finger for fine motor control in games. The system is rumored to be sticking with standard DVD, so most games will be shipped in Special Edition style cases, not for collectible purposes but because the game is on 25 discs.
Expected Games: Kinect Dogs 35, Kinect On Rails Shooter, Kinect On Rails Rafting, Kinect On Rails Crappy Star Wars 7 Tie-In, Arcade Monopoly, Arcade Risk, Arcade Russian Roulet (This probably takes away some of the suspense – just a guess).
Nintendo: Nintendo was too busy making Pokemon 45A and B (they ran out of designations after running through the Hebrew Alphabet, the Military Phonetic Alphabet, and the Periodic Table of Elements – Pokemon Uninpentium/Uninseptium were a personal favourite of mine) that they forgot to start development on the new console. But, luckily, they were at yoga last week and came up with the idea of a motion tracking, touch sensitive ball that will now be used for all their games. Buttons will be displayed on the surface of the ball for some games, while others will rely on the gyroscope inside. The ball itself is about four inches in diameter and made of soft rubber, so when it slips out of your hand, it will bounce harmlessly off your TV. The console itself is going to use the recycled parts from all the PS3s and Xbox 360s that people threw away when the PS4 and Xbox 720 came out. The marketing team hasn’t come up with a name yet, but they are leaning towards Nitwit, Blubber, Oddment, or Tweak.
Expected Games: Nintendogs 22, Nintendo Cats 13, Nintendo Rodents 2, Nintendo Birds 8, Nintendo Reptiles and Amphibians 4, Mario Party 15, Super Mario 8, Zelda 22, and of course, Pokemon 3D (they finally realized that this would be the number one best-selling game they will ever make).
That is basically all the news we have right now, but it raises some interesting questions – will we ever see the mobile market merge as well? Will Google and Apple ever team up to create a single operating system capable of completely enslaving all of humanity? Well, unfortunately, if Google and Apple ever teamed up the Apple legal department would probably see the new phone and file a lawsuit before realizing it was actually an endorsed Apple product. Then they would be in a tough situation of suing themselves for copyright infringement. Of course the rapture would probably start with the resurrection of Steve Jobs and the spiritual rescue of all those who truly believe in the Cult of Apple.
Oh yeah, I forgot to talk about price of that Sony-Microsoft-Nintendo console; that is also a little up in the air. If Sony takes the lead it will cost only three low low payments of $399.99, plus $199.99 for each peripheral. If Microsoft is leading it will be $500 and will come with all the required products inside, unless you want to add a couple of gloves for $50 each. Of course if Nintendo leads development the system will cost $300 and optional slip cases, ice cream cone style handles, tennis racket, fishing rod, sword, gun, and driving wheel attachments will sell for $20 each.
So that is it for this edition, and could be the end of the gaming world as we know it, especially once our consoles enslave us – but that won’t happen for another 12 years, 3 months, 14 days, and 12 hours – so we’ve all got plenty of time for gaming till then.
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