The news that uWaterloo was closing down its Democratic People’s Republic of Korea campus came as a surprise to most students. Although students knew that high banishment from the programs offered there to the salt mines pioneering Applied Mineral Engineering program was a problem brilliant tactic by Eternal University President, Great Dean Kim Il-sung, no one expected to hear that the university’s politburo was going recommend the re-consolidation of the DPRK campus to the main campus.
Although there was no comment from either Great Dean Kim Il-sung or Dear Dean Kim Jong-Il, the Supreme Dean Kim Jong-Un assured that this was not due to any shortcomings in the quality of education offered at the campus. In particular, he praised the Nuclear Engineering students whose FYDP, “Taepodong-2”, was “an unambiguous success.” He also boasted about the Civil Engineering students’ chrome statues built in his honour, the budding Agriculture program that was “preparing students to work on the problem of what to do with all of our food surpluses”, and innovative new KI (Knowledge from Interrogation) program. He also wanted to remind people that his father, Dear Dean Kim Jong-Il, took a term of classes at the campus to personally validate their merit – during which time he completed an double-major with a perfect average.
State media reported videos of students crying in loud wails and sobs for days after the news broke. In her editorial, Nuclear Engineering student and editor of State Media extension, “The Workers’ Warrior”, Yu Sa-fal had to say, “It is regretful to hear that the journey ended in its premature period. We are deeply saddened by this event and it is a dark day indeed. But we are exalted and happy with the wisdom of Supreme Dean Kim Jong-un to close this terrible institution, which was a brilliant success and we are all happy to have had the opportunity to experience until its well thought-out and deserved demise.” She was executed graduated later that week.
So why is the campus closing down? The reasons are many, but a few include very low admission rates, the expulsion of short students who enrolled in a class advertising methods of height growth, the escape of Film and Cinema Professor Shin Sang-ok, and low enrollment in the heavily advertised and funded Music program directed by Professor Ri Jol-su that official state media put out by the Ministry of Propaganda is of such high caliber that any further education is decadent Western redundancy.
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