The theme for this week’s column is date movies. A date movie is a movie that you watch on a date. The problem with this definition is that not only is it recursive, but what is a date? What is a movie? I say, by the time you’ve moved out of the theatre and a decade or few into the past, then it’s a pretty low-key, low-stress, comfortable gathering for two. And if you’re planning to take my totally brilliant advice, then… well, truly you are also flat out of ideas and should stay on the safe side.
This lends itself to a set of guidelines about what constitutes an effective date movie. The movie shall have a romantic presence, but it should not be too serious. Under no circumstances should any romantic comedy or romantic drama be watched. Similarly, any movie with a romantic subplot that feels shoehorned in (I’m looking at you, Anakin and Padme) is to be avoided.
The movie selected shall also have enough witty dialogue and/or intrigue to reflect well on your own judgement and taste, but too much of either distracts from the company and the reason for the gathering. I guess it helps if it’s a fairly well-known, widely-beloved movie. Such picks are comforting and leave the mind free to wander.
Finally, the movie selected shall have an optimistic ending. Movies with ambiguous endings lack closure and are discomforting. Movies with sad endings run the risk of turning somebody’s shoulder into a dishrag. Happy endings will reassure viewers that all is well, the future is bright, and your cat is not out to get you.
So, these are five of the safest date movies made, from my personal perspective. You could also watch them alone and be cheered while not getting bitterly angry at the characters for falling in love.
Zombieland (2009)
Four survivors of a zombie apocalypse take a road trip across the southwestern United States.
Ah, the zombie trend was so several years ago, but if either party has managed to miss out on it, Zombieland is required watching to understand the spread of zombies in popular media. After a zombie apocalypse, one’s priorities are simplified. The former antisocial student (Jesse Eisenberg) is looking for the meaning of it all. The two sisters (Abigail Breslin and Emma Stone) are looking to relive a bit of their childhood. And the survivalist (Woody Harrelson) – well, he just wants a goddamn Twinkie. But to get to their respective goals, there are rules to be followed, which are shown onscreen with a touch of postmodernist style. Rules like “Don’t be a hero”, “Limber up”, and “Seatbelts.” It is good advice.
Zombieland fulfills the romantic subplot and wittiness requirements quite handily, as well as having a culturally-relevant excuse to watch it. The enjoyment the characters find in “the little things” is particularly lovely to behold when contrasted with the hordes of bloodied undead.
The Illusionist (2006)
In late 1800s Vienna, Eisenheim (Edward Norton) the magician uses his abilities to win the love of a childhood friend, Sophie (Jessica Biel) who is engaged to Prince Leopold (Rufus Sewell). But they are also being watched by the jealous Prince and the Chief Inspector (Paul Giamatti), who is rather fond of magic tricks himself.
You may remember this as “The other magician movie that came out in 2006”, but The Prestige is not as suitable, by virtue of being more mind-screwy and less romantic. The Illusionist is definitely driven by a sweet romance underneath its magical trappings. Of course those trappings and plot are what makes the whole movie palatable. On at least one occasion, Inspector Uhl asks Eisenheim the secret to his magic trick with the quick-sprouting orange tree, but Eisenheim declines to share it with him. Little does Uhl know that the brilliance in the design of the orange tree trick is to be later dwarfed by Eisenheim’s plans to reunite with Sophie. His epiphany in the penultimate scene is beautiful.
Indiana Jones and Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
A professor who moonlights as an archaeologist embarks on a globe-trotting search for an ancient biblical artifact. However, the Nazis are also after it. Don’t you know this story already?
Roger Ebert said, “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom is one of the greatest Bruised Forearm Movies ever made. You know what a Bruised Forearm Movie is? That’s the kind of movie where your date is always grabbing your forearm in a viselike grip, as unbearable excitement unfolds on screen. After the movie is over, you’ve had a great time but your arm is black-and-blue for a week.” And he’s right. But just because Temple of Doom is a terrific Bruised Forearm Movie doesn’t make it a good date movie. The romantic subplot in Temple of Doom annoys me because the female lead spends most of it whining and being completely useless and irrelevant to the plot.
So, take a step backwards.
Raiders of the Lost Ark is exciting, iconic, and has a bearable romantic subplot. If there’s a person in your movie-viewing party that has never seen it before, then it can only be a good thing that they’re finally experiencing Raiders in it’s full Nazi-melting glory for the first time. And if, in all likelihood, they already have, then it leaves the mind free to wander elsewhere, doesn’t it?
Groundhog Day (1993)
A weatherman (Bill Murray) repeats February 2nd over and over again in a backwater town. He can’t break out of the temporal cycle and descends rapidly into depression. Luckily, he can’t die while trapped in the loop, either.
You can watch Groundhog Day and interpret it as shallowly or as deeply as you like. On one level, it’s a comedy with Bill Murray. In fact, it’s the de facto comedy with Bill Murray. Occasionally he tries to kill himself in increasingly desperate ways, ranging from electrocution in a bathtub to a flaming car crash in a canyon. He spends quite a bit of time trying to win the heart of Rita (Andie MacDowell), his news producer. He does it all with a detached sense of being unamused by his predicament. On another level, it probably says something about finding redemption, discovering meaning in one’s life, and the value of true love. If you are to woo an existentialist, consider watching Groundhog Day if you’re not up for Waiting for Godot.
Easy A (2010)
In order to avoid camping with her best friend’s hippie nudist parents, Olive Penderghast (Emma Stone) lies about losing her virginity to a college guy, which unexpectedly establishes a false reputation as the school bicycle. Olive takes advantage of her newfound infamy by pretending to sleep with the geeks and outcasts of the school to boost their reputations – for a nominal fee. But like all profitable schemes, it’s all fun and games until somebody else contracts chlamydia and Olive takes the blame for it.
This movie does not rustle any of my jimmies, which is an incredible feat for a romantic comedy with teenage protagonists, a genre prone to intolerable stupidity. Easy A cheerfully subverted my expectations while being fully aware that it is that sort of teenage romantic comedy, via clever references from Huck Finn to Say Anything. Emma Stone plays a girl with no delusions of being in one of those classic high school movies, facing the world with a jaded eye but a soft heart. She remains so incredibly likeable throughout the movie that I didn’t begrudge her happy ending. Olive’s parents are also supportive of their daughter, sometimes rivalling Jim’s dad in American Pie. Also, Easy A contains my favourite faked orgasm since When Harry Met Sally, which although brilliant and charming, is also an awful date movie.
Leave a Reply