There are many types of Hell – Hell as the realm of the dead, hell on earth, and the traditional fire-and-brimstone Hell. Perhaps your personal hell is being trapped in a windowless lecture room, mere metres from fresh air and grass. Or do you prefer your fiery realms of torment to be virtual, slaughtering laughably weak mobs of hellspawn?
Just as there are many levels of hell, there are as many heroes willing to descend into their depths and vanquish the final enemy, or to drive the demons back to the depths from whence they came.
So, I present to you five movies about Hell and the heroes who fight them.
Constantine (2005)
Keanu Reeves plays John Constantine, a chain-smoking demon hunter in Los Angeles with terminal lung cancer. To compensate for a suicide attempt as a youth, his days are spent exorcising demons back to hell. He is consulted by a detective investigating the death of her twin sister, and the two are led into a search for a powerful artifact that would bring about hell on Earth.
Well. You’d think that sad Keanu is oddly suited to play the sad Constantine, since both of them appear terminally depressed and world-weary, but he doesn’t quite pull off the noir attitude required for this movie. However, he compensates for this with an impressively overpowered shotgun that doesn’t look the least bit out of place among legions of the writhing damned, exploding swimming pools, and burning angels. This is a movie that wants you to take it seriously, and if you’re in a sufficiently mystical or indulgent frame of mind, you will.
Hercules (1997)
Baby Hercules, son of Zeus, god of thunder, is accidentally sent to Earth and raised as a mortal after a botched murder attempt. A childless couple adopts him but the chubby, preternaturally strong godling grows into a tall, preternaturally strong chap whose continual accidents cause his peers to shun him as a barbarian. Encouraged by his adoptive parents, Hercules goes forth to find out what it means to be a hero. But Hades, god of the dead, is bent on finishing the murder job he started decades ago.
True to Disney tradition, this is the heartwarming “be yourself” Aesop that you’d expect. True to Ancient Greek tradition, there is a Greek chorus narrating and commenting on the events that ensue in gospel verse. I have always wanted a small glee club following me around and making me sound awesome. And true to Hollywood tradition, Hercules gleefully tramples all over Ancient Greek culture and gods in the name of entertainment. For example, in original myth, Hercules was Zeus’s disgraced bastard child, rather than an adored infant stolen from his cradle. But I’m totally fine with the artistic liberties they take, because those include Meg, the sassy and glorious damsel-not-in-distress, Hades, who has fabulous flaming blue hair, and Phil, the disillusioned hero-trainer with goat hooves. How Hercules manages to retain his heroic inclinations at the end of the movie is beyond me.
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (2007)
And now, for a change of scenery. As suggested by Tia Dalma, witch doctor, the crew of The Black Pearl descend into Davy Jones’ Locker, a hell of endless white beaches without a drop of rum in sight, to retrieve Captain Jack Sparrow. Meanwhile, the combined forces of Lord Beckett and Davy Jones draw ever closer to ending piracy once and for all.
Well, that plot summary made no sense and neither did the movie when I first saw it. Alas, At World’s End is the least coherent film in the whole trilogy, due to the necessity of tying up all the loose plot threads that Dead Man’s Chest haphazardly introduced, and as such, doesn’t leave a lot of time for the liveliness that infused Curse of the Black Pearl. But by the time the film rolls to the inevitable final showdown between Beckett and the pirates, it comes close to recapturing the spirit of the original. I also like the finality with which it closes the trilogy, putting me in the minority when I say that it is my favourite PotC film.
P.S. Will and Elizabeth’s wedding in the midst of battle is also my favourite wedding scene of all time.
Hellboy (2004)
A demon, prophesied to lead the armies of hell into the ending of the world, is adopted by an army scientist and ekes out a living killing other demons. Hellboy is content to spend his spare time in the company of cats until a Russian wizard with an apocalyptic bent, Rasputin is resurrected, which forces him to face his destiny as the destroyer of worlds.
Hellboy, played by Ron Perlman, is one of the best casting choices on this side of comic book adaptations, and rocks the red skin and the tail as well as he munches a cigar and snarls one-liners at hell hounds. Guillermo del Toro provides lush backdrops that are both creepy and captivatingly beautiful, before they are defiled with the slime of exploding demons caught at the business end of Hellboy’s massive revolver. Delicious.
Van Helsing (2004)
Van Helsing, monster hunter extraordinaire, is called upon to deal with a spot of trouble in Transylvania. He soon becomes embroiled in an ages-old prophecy concerning Dracula. Together with Anna Valerius, vampire hunter, and Carl, the comic relief monk, they search for a way to put the King of Vampires and his brides to rest before it’s too late.
It’s pretty cheesy, but in a good, slick, CGI’d kind of way. This quality is best exemplified in Dracula’s extraordinarily hammy presentation – “I…am hollow, and I will live… FOREVER!” Furthermore, putting Hugh Jackman in an action movie immediately elevates it to a new level of awesome, especially if he’s swishing about in a fedora and long coat with a crossbow aimed at your forehead. It’s a pity, the way his pants stay on when he’s ripping his shirt and chest skin off during a werewolf transformation.
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