Editors Note: This article contains content that may be offensive to some. If you feel that the subject of dictators cannot be taken humorously, please avoid reading this article.
It was inevitable.
No, I am not speaking of the inevitable actions that a proletariat will take after fermenting under an oppressive regime for one too many years. I am, however, referring to the inevitability of the ultimately futile outcome that persists after the dust blows over.
2011, on the surface, presents itself as a year where much joy should be derived from the displacement of a number of ruthless dictators, whose policies have killed thousands, starved millions, and stolen billions.
But instead of writing an article that explores the inherit flaws of human nature and why power corrupts even the purest rendition of man, I present to you a consolation to the topic at hand; a series of incoherent blurbs that celebrates the turbulent, and sometimes eccentric, lives of the dictators who we will all miss so dearly.”
Tunisia — Ben Ali
The Burning Man isn’t just an obscure annual festival hosted in the middle of the Nevadan desert where hippies, hipsters, and hedonists indulge themselves in mindless debauchery. Pardon the pun. Its (or his) existence also served as the catalyst of what we would come to know today as the Arab Spring and the Occupy Movement.
Ironically, Ali’s own rise to presidency came in the form of a coup d’état in 1987, where he had impeached his predecessor, Habib Bourguiba under medical grounds.
In his defence, Ben Ali made various attempts to liberalise Tunisia, despite limited success. In his effort to defeat his opponent in the 1989 election, Ali banned all Islamic political parties from running. Though he had his sights on different things, the separation between religion and state itself is often viewed as a move in the right direction for fostering democratic and fair government, even if it is tongue-in-cheek.
Egypt – Hosni Mubarak
By most standards, 29 years is a long time for someone to be the ruler of anything (unless that thing happens to be the United Kingdom), but you can’t blame the man for being ambitious.
His role in facilitating the Sinai Interim Agreement between Egypt and Israel and his attempt to “turn off” the internet from within Egypt speaks volumes of the ambitious mindset that he has. He failed on both accounts, of course. However, as we’ve all been taught in pre-school, it’s the principle that counts.
Mubarak is currently awaiting trial and suffering from stomach cancer. Let’s all wish him a speedy recovery, so that he is able to stand trial.
Libya — Muammar Gaddafi
Known for his over-the-top gold-embellished dress, Muammar Gaddafi is no stranger to the phrase “dressing for the job you want”.
As if that wasn’t enough, Gaddafi has a small army of hand-picked elite bodyguards made entirely of female virgins. However, their chastity is of questionable nature since no independent parties were ever able to physically confirm such claim.
But dear readers, let us reserve our judgement of this man based on his taste alone, for taste is a personal and touchy issue with no place in determining a man’s merit. Let us instead envy the fully-subsidized electrical grid, 0% interest rate, and $0.14/L gasoline price; all of which are luxuries that Libya under Gaddafi’s rule was able to provide to its citizens.
As far as dictators go, Gaddafi showed spectacular sportsmanship when playing realpolitik with the West. He actively encouraged disarming Libya’s weapon storage in an attempt to avoid confrontation between Uncle Sam and friends. He nonetheless lost the game in the end, and has since became a professional daisy pusher.
Apple — Steve Jobs
You can’t have a complete list of dictators without at least one mention of Steve Jobs.
Some of Steve’s favourite past-times at Apple include: summary execution of employees, experimenting and mastering reality-distortion fields, destroying prototypes for minor aesthetic imperfections, and tripping on acid.
According to an undocumented and unscientific report generated by me, the amount of money that he is likely to have stolen from you ranges somewhere between five-hundred dollars to over nine-thousand dollars. Apple, under Steve Jobs, was at one point trading on Wall Street as the company with the highest market capitalization, briefly surpassing another evil corporate entity, ExxonMobil.
On October 4th, 2011, Steve Jobs made a wager with Satan, where he was promised to be cured of cancer if consumers will react favourably to the announcement of the iPhone 4S at Apple. Steve died on the subsequent day. His spirit is said to have been trapped somewhere in Microsoft as a result of losing the wager to Satan.
North Korea — Kim Jong-il
A stout man by communist standards, the Dear Leader was not fond of sharing food with the rest of his countrymen. Despite this, he was able to prevent at least 85% of the North Korean population from dying of starvation in the 90’s.
The Dear Leader was perhaps best known for inventing the hamburger, being the best golf player on earth (11 holes-in-one, sorry Tiger Woods), being the largest buyer of Hennessy, playing a leading-role in a Hollywood movie, and for looking intently at various inanimate objects.
The Dear Leader lived to a ripe old age. May he find immortality in the form of bad memes on reddit.
Editors Note: This article contains content that may be offensive to some. If you feel that the subject of dictators cannot be taken humorously, please avoid reading this article.
It was inevitable.No, I am not speaking of the inevitable actions that a proletariat will take after fermenting under an oppressive regime for one too many years. I am, however, referring to the inevitability of the ultimately futile outcome that persists after the dust blows over.2011, on the surface, presents itself as a year where much joy should be derived from the displacement of a number of ruthless dictators, whose policies have killed thousands, starved millions, and stolen billions.But instead of writing an article that explores the inherit flaws of human nature and why power corrupts even the purest rendition of man, I present to you a consolation to the topic at hand; a series of incoherent blurbs that celebrates the turbulent, and sometimes eccentric, lives of the dictators who we will all miss so dearly.”Tunisia — Ben AliThe Burning Man isn’t just an obscure annual festival hosted in the middle of the Nevadan desert where hippies, hipsters, and hedonists indulge themselves in mindless debauchery. Pardon the pun. Its (or his) existence also served as the catalyst of what we would come to know today as the Arab Spring and the Occupy Movement.Ironically, Ali’s own rise to presidency came in the form of a coup d’état in 1987, where he had impeached his predecessor, Habib Bourguiba under medical grounds.In his defence, Ben Ali made various attempts to liberalise Tunisia, despite limited success. In his effort to defeat his opponent in the 1989 election, Ali banned all Islamic political parties from running. Though he had his sights on different things, the separation between religion and state itself is often viewed as a move in the right direction for fostering democratic and fair government, even if it is tongue-in-cheek.Egypt – Hosni MubarakBy most standards, 29 years is a long time for someone to be the ruler of anything (unless that thing happens to be the United Kingdom), but you can’t blame the man for being ambitious.His role in facilitating the Sinai Interim Agreement between Egypt and Israel and his attempt to “turn off” the internet from within Egypt speaks volumes of the ambitious mindset that he has. He failed on both accounts, of course. However, as we’ve all been taught in pre-school, it’s the principle that counts.Mubarak is currently awaiting trial and suffering from stomach cancer. Let’s all wish him a speedy recovery, so that he is able to stand trial.Libya — Muammar GaddafiKnown for his over-the-top gold-embellished dress, Muammar Gaddafi is no stranger to the phrase “dressing for the job you want”.As if that wasn’t enough, Gaddafi has a small army of hand-picked elite bodyguards made entirely of female virgins. However, their chastity is of questionable nature since no independent parties were ever able to physically confirm such claim.But dear readers, let us reserve our judgement of this man based on his taste alone, for taste is a personal and touchy issue with no place in determining a man’s merit. Let us instead envy the fully-subsidized electrical grid, 0% interest rate, and $0.14/L gasoline price; all of which are luxuries that Libya under Gaddafi’s rule was able to provide to its citizens.As far as dictators go, Gaddafi showed spectacular sportsmanship when playing realpolitik with the West. He actively encouraged disarming Libya’s weapon storage in an attempt to avoid confrontation between Uncle Sam and friends. He nonetheless lost the game in the end, and has since became a professional daisy pusher.Apple — Steve JobsYou can’t have a complete list of dictators without at least one mention of Steve Jobs.Some of Steve’s favourite past-times at Apple include: summary execution of employees, experimenting and mastering reality-distortion fields, destroying prototypes for minor aesthetic imperfections, and tripping on acid.According to an undocumented and unscientific report generated by me, the amount of money that he is likely to have stolen from you ranges somewhere between five-hundred dollars to over nine-thousand dollars. Apple, under Steve Jobs, was at one point trading on Wall Street as the company with the highest market capitalization, briefly surpassing another evil corporate entity, ExxonMobil.On October 4th, 2011, Steve Jobs made a wager with Satan, where he was promised to be cured of cancer if consumers will react favourably to the announcement of the iPhone 4S at Apple. Steve died on the subsequent day. His spirit is said to have been trapped somewhere in Microsoft as a result of losing the wager to Satan.North Korea — Kim Jong-ilA stout man by communist standards, the Dear Leader was not fond of sharing food with the rest of his countrymen. Despite this, he was able to prevent at least 85% of the North Korean population from dying of starvation in the 90’s.The Dear Leader was perhaps best known for inventing the hamburger, being the best golf player on earth (11 holes-in-one, sorry Tiger Woods), being the largest buyer of Hennessy, playing a leading-role in a Hollywood movie, and for looking intently at various inanimate objects.The Dear Leader lived to a ripe old age. May he find immortality in the form of bad memes on reddit.
Leave a Reply