After months of crushing disappointment from Jobmining, you might (and should) be asking yourself, “What went wrong?”, “How did I get the black lung of unemployment?” Chances are that your interviewers were just not that into you. Maybe it’s time to buckle down and become a better student; maybe it’s time to join more teams and activities; maybe it’s time to put down the newspaper and start finding the job of your dreams through hard work and determination … of course not; don’t be ridiculous. The problem is that you didn’t effectively manipulate your would-be employer during the job interview, dummy! Don’t worry though, because this week we’re going to give you our exclusive guide to the top ways to win a job interview!
Do Your Research: Although winging it is sufficient for such trivialities as wedding proposals, final exams, and court dates, a job interview is no winging matter. First-off, take advantage of the information Jobmine gives you; we mean, of course, to look up the other people being interviewed and find ways to insult their experiences and them personally. Just casually mention to the interviewer, “and unlike some candidates, I never got drunk and broke into a McDonalds” or “I think, with my mom still alive, I’m the strongest candidate for the job”. Also, be sure to research into the personal life of the employer so that you can be more relatable and easy to talk to. Imagine if you were an interviewer and a candidate dropped this line: “As I’m sure you learned on vacation in the Bahamas, balance is of the utmost importance to staying efficient and innovative. Why, imagine if your son, Timmy, didn’t spend recess exercising and getting fresh air; his performance in Mrs. Nesbitt’s second grade class would surely falter!”
Dress to Impress: Now this one is difficult, as there are two possible directions to go. If interviewing for a small company or programming position, we recommend that you better represent yourself by forgoing the tie and/or jacket. Yes, show your interviewer that you’re able to dress smart without dressing disingenuously by showing up in a sweatsuit and undershirt. Stains are a great way to say “I’m too busy and important to have my mom wash this outfit”. If, on the other hand, the company is bigger and more formal in their conduct, we recommend dressing sharp. A tuxedo might suffice if you want to be their second or third choice, but to really make a splash dress to the tens. Ladies we reccomend select from the Gaga collection, and gentlemen the Gaddafi. Yes, employers will be so impressed by your gigantic Africa pendant that they’ll forget the fact that you’re dangerously underqualified for the job and that in your 90-minute rant you referred to their security firm as a “terror firm”.
Make Yourself Look Important: An employer isn’t running a charity, unless the job is working for a charity in which case the employer is in fact running a charity. But irregardless [sic.] of this fact, they are looking for someone whom they want. As such, your job is to make them think that they want you. How? First of all, show up fashionably late to make them wait for you. Then, when you do arrive, never be the first to speak: it’s a sign of weakness. The longer you wait to talk, the more effective this is. How else do you think Ganondorf is constantly thwarted? Later, during the interview, have a friend call you and five minutes into the conversation say “I’m sorry, Oprah, but I’m in the middle of something very important. I’ll talk to you later, boo”. Finally, exaggerate your experiences. If you worked at McDonalds, say you’re experienced handling fiduiciary responsibility and operating large machinery; if you built a model rocket say that you worked for the Canadian Space Agency; if you worked as a green grocer say that you invented the Facebook.
Show Your Enthusiasm: Employers want to know that their employees are eager to work for them and really want the job. You have to trick them into thinking that you just aren’t trying to fund your coke habit. One move that we recently saw in a short-film is to put your hand on the interviewer’s leg (to establish camaraderie), and emphatically say that you would do anything for your boss. Another thing to do is send an e-mail afterwards thanking the employer for the interview, say that you appreciate that they took the time out of their day, and tell them that if you don’t get the job you’ll ______ their ______ in the ______ … twice.
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