There’s this infamous file cabinet in the Iron Warrior office that’s been locked for centuries. No one knows where the key is, and standard methods of cleaving the lock don’t work. We’ve tried crowbars, shafts, as well are bare hands, but we’ve still yet to uncover the contents. So it got me thinking, what’s actually inside this cabinet? I know there could be obvious things like paperwork and old files, but here’s a few theories I can present:
Government secrets
With the increasing popularity of the Iron Warrior, it’s only natural that the government could be on our case. They monitor everything, but hopefully, they were on our side and wanted to work with us. Thus, they gave us super sensitive information. Nuclear launch codes, winning lottery ticket numbers, and of course, the winners of the next Super Bowl. All these are pre-determined by the government anyway, and if we could just get the stupid lock undone, we’d have enough funding for any new engineering buildings. We could build En buildings, where n is the set of integers ranging from [n, inf). Therefore, that means more study spaces and less people in the QNC taking my spot >:(
Cooking recipes and equipment
Editor-in-Chiefs usually spend long nights editing the Iron Warrior for you guys to see (love you Donovan), and normally, having snacks isn’t the best, healthy option. So, back in the day, before the key was lost, there was a little hot plate stolen from the chemistry lab, pots, pans, and other cooking materials. Legend has it that the first ever group of Iron Warrior journalists sat in the office at the big table and re-enacted the last supper with food they cooked using that hot plate.
Post zombie apocalypse rations
The room is lockable, and we have a fridge, computer, and even a gamecube, so it makes sense to be a good hideout. Not only that, but zombies wouldn’t go to E2. They’re actually looking for brains.
Teleportation portal across campus
Leads to another file cabinet. I mean, walking across campus is tedious, especially for me since I live at UWP. If there’s a teleporter on campus, I’d want to use it to, for example, transport myself to MC. The best thing is that this doesn’t have to be just one file cabinet. There could be this whole inter-file cabinet system that transports people between buildings. I really hope this is the case, so I can bypass all the winter walking months and just live in the Iron Warrior office.
Something horrific, which we may never know.
My last theory suggests the key was destroyed. I imagine something like the very opening scene of Stranger Things. There lies something in that file cabinet which we may never know. Perhaps the former student wanted to keep us from accessing whatever horror lies in there. I can picture it: them running out, sweat on their face, and destroying the key. However, curiosity inspires people to move forward, and so I will now be dedicating my undergrad to finding out how to open this file cabinet. That’s why next term I’m starting a column to record my research. Please fund my research by donating to my Patreon.
So how do we get it open? Well, we’re UW Engineers, we’ll figure that out…if the due date was tomorrow.
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