The Iron Warrior stands heavily divided on this issue. We had a debate on this during a meeting, and it got pretty heated. Some people had to leave the room, cops were called, it was great. But here, I’m going to further my viewpoint as to why staples are better. Your professors ask you to staple assignments. And for a good reason. They are immensely superior.
First, paperclips are just specifically bent staples. If you unbend a staple, you can make a paperclip. Now I know what you’re thinking: “Couldn’t it be the other way around?” No, actually. The staple was first discovered by a Waterloo engineer in 1972, for an assignment. Another student, unaware of policy 71, then reshaped the staple into the common paperclip shape. They ended up getting a higher mark. Thus, the first student was in spite for the rest of their undergrad, and made it their sole goal to eradicate all paperclips from the face of the earth. Fast forward to today, student 1 is the CEO of some big company, and student 2 is their employee. Just goes to show you how making your own ideas and not copying can really get you far in life, whereas the opposite will always leave you underneath.
Second, we’ve invented machines to aid in the process of putting your staples into paper, known as the “stapler.” The WEEF TA office is home to one of these wonderful devices. You don’t see anything named the “paperclipper”. Why? Because that just sounds dumb. And it is dumb. Just like the paperclip. With the aid of a secondary device, stapling becomes much easier, whereas you always have to paperclip with your hands. What if you have an injury? You can’t just smack your paperclip in like you would with a stapler. We’ve accounted for all possible issues regarding stapling, and that just shows how much care went into the design.
Third, there are staples big enough to bind larger sets of papers, whereas I would question the rigidity of normal paperclips. If I had a stack of 50 papers, I would need a fairly large paper clip, which bends too easily, especially the plastic ones. Staples, on the other hand, can withstand the stack much better.
The name “paperclip” can also be misinterpreted. See, our common knowledge states that it’s a device to hold paper together. While that may be true, by breaking down the word, you can see how it could be a verb to “cut paper” (i.e. paper, clip). So that means a “paperclipper” would be a ravenous villain going around campus cutting small slits into assignments, receipts, and other forms of paper that come in all shapes and sizes. If someone asked you for a stapler, you know what they would be talking about. If a paperclipper existed, and someone asked you for one, you’d be confused if they wanted assistance in keeping it together or cutting it apart.
Staples are also multifunctional. Along with being able to hold a large stack of papers, they can be used in other ways. Those fullstacks of staples, you know the ones that come in boxes all tightly packed, unlike PAPERCLIPS, have a multitude of uses. Ran out of chopsticks in the SLC? Staple stack. Need a pair of drumsticks for your mini drumset? Staple stack. Want to build a miniature castle out of office supplies but need appropriate castle wall material? Staple stack. Need to refill your stapler because it ran out from stapling? Staple stack.
Also, someone can easily remove a paperclip from your work and change the order, mess up the papering, etc. Stapling prevents this from happening. If they have a staple remover, I guess it’s easier, but they’d have to spend money for that. Paperclips are easier to steal and thus an easier target. Haven’t you heard of the paperclip trading story? Where the person traded paperclips and ended up with a house? Well, the first trade made was for a pen. The rest isn’t important, because the paperclip didn’t directly cause them, but I commend the abilities of the paperclip. However, it’s still inferior to the staple. Imagine if this person started with a staple. Think of the possibilities of what they could have ended up with. You probably could’ve gotten two pens for the first trade.
Why is the department store called Staples and not Paperclips? Well, for a multimillion dollar company, choosing the name was presumably difficult, but look at them now. If the store was called “Paperclips,” it wouldn’t have thrived to the point it is at today. In fact, I think we would still be seeing some Grand & Toys around shopping malls and plazas throughout the city. But now, Staples is beating out the competition because people think to themselves, “Hey, that sounds like a good place to get my various office needs from.”
The Canadian army is also investing in staple guns for future use in the military. Staples are sharp. They can hurt. So we’ll be prepared when the civil war of paperclips vs. staples goes all out, and we shall be victorious. No stapler left behind. We stand together. We don’t fall apart. Because we’re stapled, not paper clipped.
Final point: Clippy the paperclip, is an exception. Clippy is a wonderful paperclip. I’d put him up with Jesus in the hierarchy of paper fasteners. That being said, like Jesus doesn’t represent all Christians, Clippy does not represent all paperclips. That is why my argument still stands. But at the same time, I put Clippy above Jesus. I’ve asked Clippy for help with my work. I can’t remember the last time I asked Jesus.
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