CAMERON MUST FALL: DOWN WITH TYRANNICAL, PIZZA-WITHOLDING EIC

EDITOR IN CHIEF CAMERON HAS ANNOUNCED THAT HE WILL NO LONGER BE PROVIDING PIZZA AT WARRIOR MEETINGS, CITING ‘BUDGETARY CONSTRAINTS’. THIS IS THE LAST STRAW. WE, THE WRITERS, ARE THE HEART AND SOUL OF THE IRON WARRIOR. WE WRITE. WE ENTHUSIASTICALLY VOLUNTEER FOR ARTICLES LIKE DOGS. WE ALWAYS HAND IN OUR ARTICLES ON TIME. FOR ALL THIS WE HAVE ASKED FOR BUT ONE THING: THAT PIZZA IS PROVIDED AT THE WEEKLY MEETING.

NOW EVEN THIS SMALL, INEXPENSIVE PRIVILEGE IS BEING TAKEN AWAY. THIS IS NOT A MONEY ISSUE. THAT’S RIGHT. CAMERON, I’VE SEEN THE BUDGET, AND YOU HAVEN’T EVEN FACTORED IN THE FROSH ISSUE YET. WE ARE A PUBLIC INSTITUTION; WE ARE SUPPOSED TO RUN DEFICITS SO ENGSOC GIVES US MORE MONEY. THIS IS NOT DUE TO ‘BUDGETARY CONSTRAINTS’. THIS IS A POWER-HUNGRY EIC ABUSING HIS POWER ON HIS LOYAL WRITERS, WHO ALWAYS GET IN ARTICLES ON TIME. WHAT HAVE WE DONE TO DESERVE THIS? IS THE EIC CURRENTLY UNDERGOING PERSONAL PROBLEMS AND TAKING IT OUT ON US? CAMERON, IS THIS BECAUSE WE KEEP GETTING TO THE OFFICE BEFORE YOU AND EATING ALL THE FOOD (WHICH IS, INCIDENTALLY, NOT PIZZA)?

BUT REALLY, THE PROBLEM ISN’T CAMERON (EVEN IF HE IS A POWER HUNGRY, CONTROLLING, MICROMANAGING MECH ENG), IT’S THE CONCEPT OF AN EIC ITSELF. THE EIC IS A REMNANT OF A PAST AGE, AN AGE OF KINGS AND DICTATORS, OF AUTHORITARIANISM AND CAPITALISM. THE EIC IS A SYMBOL OF OPPRESSION AGAINST US, THE WRITERS, WHO ALWAYS HAND THINGS IN ON TIME. IN THE PAST, THE EIC COULD DO AS HE PLEASES, AND WE WOULD BE POWERLESS TO STOP IT.

IT IS TIME FOR US, THE WRITERS, WHO ALWAYS GET THINGS IN ON TIME, TO RISE UP AND BREAK THE SHACKLES OF OPPRESSION. THE TIME OF THE EIC, THE SOVEREIGN, THE MONARCH, THE DICTATOR, HAS COME AND GONE. WE ENTER THE ERA OF THE REPUBLIC, WHICH WILL USHER IN A NEW GOLDEN AGE. IT IS TIME FOR THE TIN SOLDIER TO BECOME A NEWSPAPER BY THE WRITERS, FOR THE WRITERS. NO MORE HIERARCHY, ONLY COMRADESHIP AND BROTHERHOOD. NO MORE DECISION MAKERS, ONLY CONSENSUS. LET THE EIC TREMBLE AT THE WRITERS’ REVOLUTION. WE HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE BUT OUR HUNGER. WE HAVE A FEAST TO WIN. PIZZA FOR ALL WRITERS. EVERY. WEEK.