Letter from the Editor

Hello my precioussss! We loves you all! We loves Engsoc and the Tin Soldier and everyone who writes for it!
NO WE DON’T PRECIOUS. HURK HURK HURK GOLLUM GOLLUM
Oh yes we do precioussss! Never mind our associate there he’s just got a bit of a smoking problem. Nicotine addiction, so tragic, so very hard on the throat!
HURKKKKKKKK
Five hundred years of eating raw fish will put such a crick in our neck, yes it did precious… almost as bad as five issues of this newspaper. But it was worth it and
WE ONLY MADES IT THROUGH THE TERM BECAUSE OF ME! ME! ME!
And Leafy Fifi! And all my lovely little copy editors!
FIFI? FIFI’S A FUCKING TREE! WE HAD TO GET FOOD ALL BY OURSELVES FROM THE C&D! IF YOU THINK HOLDING A BOX OF DRINKS AND A TRAY OF FOOD AND OPENING DOORS IS EASY LET ME TELL YOU IT’S DEFINITELY NOT!
But it was free! Like Dobby! Dobby is free!
SHUT UP SMEAGOL. WE’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR PANSY ASS. STOP WHINING. WE MADE THE PRETTIEST PRINCESS PAPER THAT THE WATERLOO ENGINEERING HAS EVER SEEN.
We’re pretty!
SO PRETTY. SO PRETTY AND WITTY AND BRIGHT. YESSS PRECIOUS. THE PAPER IS SO PRETTY. WE LAY OUT THE PAPER ONCE EVERY TWO WEEKS, YESSS WE DO PRECIOUS.
Pretty!
AND WE DON’TS EVEN HAS TO USE FILLER PICTURES, PRECIOUS. HURK HURK HURK GOLLUMMMM HURK HURK HURK
Yes we do! We use filler!
NOT LIKE GODDAMN APPLE JACKS. AND WE DEFINITELY DON’T PUT THE PICTURES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE COLUMN AND MAKE THE COLUMNS NON RECTANGULAR, PRECIOUSSSS. WE HAVE STANDARDS!!!!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Smeagol is so happy! Smeagol loves all the Tin Soldier staff and hobbitses and sushi and InDesign!
NO WE DONTS. HURRRRRK. IT MAKES ME SICK, INDESIGN DOES. UNBELIEVABLY NONINTUITIVE LITTLE PIECE OF PIXEL PUSHING PROPRIETARY PROGRAM. WHY DO WE PUTS UP WITH THIS? HURRRK FRANKLY PRECIOUS NO AMOUNT OF C&D FOOD AND STAFF DINNERS CAN COMPENSATE FOR THE INDIGNITY OF HAVING WRITTEN SOMEWHERE IN THE ORDER OF FIFTY THOUSSSANNNND WORDS FOR THE PAPER OVER THE LAST FOUR YEARS. NO IT CAN’T PRECIOUS.
We can’ts hear them! Not listening, not listening.
NOT TO MENTION POTATOES! PO-TA-TOES, MASH ‘EM BOIL ‘EM PUT ‘EM IN A STEW! NASTY LITTLE TUBER ROOTS. AREN’T EVEN REAL VEGETABLES! STARCHES THEY ARE, PRECIOUS, YES, STARCHES. AND IT ALL PALES IN COMPARISON TO A JUICY FISH! WE LIKES IT YES, BUT NOT FROM ITAMAE SUSHI, LITTLE BUGGERS.
Still not listening, not listening!
AND THEN ARTICLES FROM PEOPLE AFTER THE DEADLINE! AS IF THEY JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE “DEAD” IN “DEADLINE” MEANS! BUT SHE’LL SHOW THEM, WON’T SHE PRECIOUS? WE’LL TAKE THEM UP THE WINDING STAIR TO THE CAVES AND THEN SHE’LL SHOW THEM, HEH HEH HEH PRECIOUS HURK HURK HURK GOLLUM GOLLUM HURK.
We can’ts do that! Ever since that unpleasant incidentsey with the fat hobbit she’s got Crohn’s disease and nasty tough students won’t do her gizzards any good, no precious, it won’t.
WE DON’TS CARE, PRECIOUS! SHAME ON YOU! SHAME ON YOU! WE DON’T GET NO RESPECT FOR OUR DEADLINES ANYMORE! TAKE THIS TIN SOLDIER AND YOU STUFF IT IN YOUR FISH-EATING SPITTLE GOB OR WE’LL DO IT FOR YOU. MARK MY WORDS! HURK HURK HURK GOLLUM GOLLUM GOLLUM LET’S BLOW THIS POPSICLE STAND.
Goodbye!