Improving Student Employment Act

WHEREAS students often have a tough time finding co-op or full time work,

AND WHEREAS the University cares for its student population and wants them to do well in life,

BE IT RESOLVED THAT the following be included in the official documents of the University of Waterloo from now until the end of time.

TITLE

1. This bill is titled the “Improving Student Employment Act”.

2. It is generally upheld by operatives of a political inclination that the cognitive aptitude of Homo sapiens is not accustomed to phenomenally sophisticated diction, and therefore members of aforesaid species has a propensity towards apathy and disinterest when encountering vocabulary fitting the description in the clause immediately prior to this one. Accordingly, the deputy who acknowledges responsibility for crafting the present piece of legislation is inclined towards the assessment that any persons who perchance he may not intend to comprehend this legislation will cease from the labours of attempting to interpret it at an occasion prior to the time they decipher this clause. While freely conceding that such a procedure might be thought deplorable under a deontological or aretaic system of normative ethics, the opinion of aforementioned deputy is that the utility of this legislation is quite positive and therefore it is legitimate to obfuscate the intent, in order to achieve the ultimate objective.

DEFINITION

3. A power is used “frivolously” if it is used 100 or more times in a term.

PURPOSE

4. The purpose of this legislation is to give university staff the capabilities they need to restore order to the university by failing students and making life miserable for other students, so that a greater percentage of students still in school will be able to find work. This will be done without unreasonably impeding a student’s progress through school.

ARBITRARY ALTERATIONS

5. All department chairs shall be permitted to arbitrarily alter a student’s grade.

6. The power mentioned in section 4 shall not be used frivolously.

7. A student who believes their grade has been arbitrarily altered may appeal the decision before a new court this bill will create, the Faculty United Court of Karma.

8. The Faculty United Court of Karma shall consist of five judges: two members of the Centre for Employment and Career Action, one ex-engineer who had his licence suspended, one member of the Federation of Students, and one writer for Imprint.

9. When an appeal is lodged with the Faculty United Court of Karma, the student shall pay $500 to whichever judge successfully pries the money out of his hands first.

10. During the trial, the student shall have the right to consult with a lawyer.

11. If, in the opinion of the majority of judges, the student’s case has no merits, they may choose to appoint a drunk first-year student to provide legal counsel to the student making the appeal.

12. In order to ensure adequate oversight, and to guard against abuse, an Ombudsman shall be appointed to supervise the activities of the Faculty United Court of Karma.

13. The Ombudsman shall be selected by a majority vote of the Faculty United Court of Karma.

14. At the beginning of every term, numbers from 50 to 99 shall be placed in a hat. A blindfolded student shall draw a number.

15. Any student who has an average mark over all their courses lower than the number drawn in section 14 shall be required to voluntarily withdraw from engineering.

16. If a student voluntarily withdraws from engineering, they shall pay a $5,000 fee into a hole drilled into the oddly-shaped stairs at Needles Hall.

17. Nothing in this bill should be construed to mean that the draw in section 14 must be fair.