*** The Tin Soldier is intended to be a humorous and entertaining look at issues and events at the University of Waterloo. As such articles should not be taken to represent real events or opinions, and they should not be associated with the University of Waterloo staff or administration in any way. Any similarities to real world events, people or corporations is purely coincidental – or non-coincidental but meant in an entirely joking manner.***
Greetings Comrades,
I bring greetings from Big Mother for the greatness of IngSoc. She approves of plans for misinformation of the masses through our greatest publication ‘the Tin Soldier’ and the use of total capitalization for all titles. This is the last dissemination of announcements on behalf of Big Mother, the greatest one, prior to these weeks of quiet labours and much restfulness. In honour of these most sacred weeks each citizen will be allotted three hours of sleep so that their days will be healthy and productive.
Big Mother needs your help. Words of dissention have been heard from our neighbor school of the Eastern world, the Torontonian Institute of Wilfrid Dalhousie. Envious of our superior C&D, exercise regimes, and liberal free time allowances they have begun planning to steal our most valued symbol, the Tool. Using their ‘Grandiose Interesting Real Life Systems’ (GIRLS) previous dedicated officers of the great IngSoc have been turned to evil.
Big Mother Cautions all Citizens to be cautious of the three dissidents who were once staunch party members. Former comrade, Spensaur Gooderonie was captured in the midst of traveling to Toronto-Dalhousie and was under the complete control of the GIRL system. As Authorities apprehended him he was heard to yell “You mad Bro?” and “You seem mad bro” but eventually threw up his arms exclaiming “YOLO”. CITIZENS ARE WARNED THAT THE USE OF ‘YOLO’ IS FORBIDDEN AND ANY USE OF THAT WORD WILL BE PROMPTLY AND SEVERELY DEALT WITH. The Second former comrade, Lucausaur Huds can be identified by his red flow and loose flowing non regulation ‘exam pants’. Lucausaur has gone underground and is thought to be operating covert communications with officers of the Torontonian Institute of Wilfrid Dalhousie from his fortress called ‘Underground Water-impervious Palisade’ (UWP). The GIRL system appears to be near Lucausaur, controlling his every move. The third former comrade, Cubic Terrycloth, may not have been completely turned by the Torontonian Institute of Wilfrid Dalhousie. Although the GIRL system has made contact with former comrade, Cubic Terrycloth, he is too busy working on the ‘Full Yield Deoxygenation Protocol’ (FYDP).
My junior party members have been enlisted to disseminate further information among IngSoc members for your health and safety. If you encounter people carrying boxes of this, the best and greatest IngSoc publication feel free to ask about the three dissidents. Furthermore, junior party members can be found sleeping in the ‘Piss On Everything Tomorrow’s Saturday’ (POETS) room of great party power or working in the ‘Wonderous EngSoc Enclave Federation’ (WEEF) laboratory. Other party members will be traveling with a camera to capture proof of our happiness and productivity over this period of Enlightenment and meaningful studies.
Big Mother would like to congratulate MJ on his work to increase the clothing standards among his section of party members. Regulation clothing has several variations which allows for citizens of IngSoc to express their love for Big Mother, Ingsoc and our symbol, the Tool. Choosing to wear the formal regulation clothing over the ‘comfort’ regulation clothing shows our superiority over lesser Soc’s such as the Torontonian Institute of Wilfrid Dalhousie and the Queendom of Western Ottawa. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK COMRADS.
Big Sister out.
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