North Korea Builds Rocket to get Donuts, Fails Spectacularly

*** The Tin Soldier is intended to be a humorous and entertaining look at issues and events at the University of Waterloo. As such articles should not be taken to represent real events or opinions, and they should not be associated with the University of Waterloo staff or administration in any way. Any similarities to real world events, people or corporations is purely coincidental – or non-coincidental but meant in an entirely joking manner.***

New CIA evidence paints a different story, however. Covert photographs indicate that the Supreme Power rocket was pointed directly at the United States at launch, and according to technical analysis, the rocket should have reached American shores ten years ago. However, some flaw in the rocket’s rudder system caused it to fly spectacularly off-track, and its new trajectory led it directly away from the Earth. To the CIA’s surprise, North Korean technicians continued to receive data from the spacecraft, from which they determined that Glorious Empire would attach itself to any object within a kilometre of the spacecraft. Eventually, ten years later, it attached itself to the comet, where it began its research.

CIA listening stations also determined that the North Korean probe had no offensive capabilities, save for one Chinese rifle from the 1930’s and three bullets as ammunition. The CIA brass have long speculated about what this mission could actually be for: would it be a probe attempting to help the North Koreans find a way into the Pentagon, or would it be analyzing for the artificial elements developed within the confines of Area 51? Then, last year, the smartest data analysts at the CIA made a breakthrough, which revealed a much more sinister plan: the probe was on its way to America to steal the secrets of donut-making, from Dunkin Donuts’ top-secret laboratory somewhere in Montana. The data analysts can only speculate about what the donuts would actually be used for, but the best guess is that the donuts would be delivered straight to Kim Jong-Un’s private residence, so that his large and pudgy figure could continue to impose upon the rest of the North Korean population.