*** The Tin Soldier is intended to be a humorous and entertaining look at issues and events at the University of Waterloo. As such articles should not be taken to represent real events or opinions, and they should not be associated with the University of Waterloo staff or administration in any way. Any similarities to real world events, people or corporations is purely coincidental – or non-coincidental but meant in an entirely joking manner.***
EngSoc has won another great victory against the Queendom of Western Ottawa, capturing dozens of stinking rotten soldiers of the Futuristic Undergraduate Committee of Kings. But there is still work to be done! We cannot celebrate with our dear allies, the Torontonian Institute of Wilfred Dalhousie and their effective but comparatively minuscule Committee of Undergraduate Medieval Studies, until the squashed cabbage leaves who would tear down all that is IngSoc.
The Futuristic Undergraduate Committee of Kings fights now like a wilted celery stick, their minds slow as the delicious syrup which IngSoc produces in batches of thousands of tonnes so that all may enjoy its sweet taste. Meanwhile the Torontonian Institute of Wilfred Dalhousie, with the help of the great computing prowess EngSoc possesses within the bright grey walls of the Opportunity and Practicality Building, runs more efficiently than ever to wipe out the stunted and unpalatable vegetables of the Queendom of Western Ottawa that are too dumb to even appreciate the ultimate truth of IngSoc: FAILURE IS PASSING. REJECTION IS EMPLOYMENT.
Let the Queendom of Western Ottawa tremble before the might of EngSoc. We will crush them like grapes, and grind their bones into a sweet fruit juice. May we chop them and skewer them for the glory of Big Mother, and then help our less-fortunate allies of the Torontonian Undergraduate Committee of Wilfred Dalhousie to escape their miserable but protected desk lives. We can puree the Committee of Undergraduate Medieval Studies and snap them like a cheap graphics card. The pathetic, pale soldiers of the Committee of Undergraduate Medieval Studies will emerge frightened from their dens to be trampled like a keyboard under a cow by our brave warriors, fighting alongside their industrious and fruitful allies, the Futuristic Undergraduate Committee of Kings. Hail to EngSoc, which has taken the great prudence to join in a strategic venture with the Queendom of Western Ottawa to squash the infertile Torontonian Institute of Wilfred Dalhousie.
Let us never forget the power of IngSoc, and our love of Big Mother. Though we have been fighting an eternal and difficult struggle with the Torontonian Institute of Wilfred Dalhousie, we will emerge victors. EngSoc will prevail, as certainly as d/dx sine x = sine x. The frailty of the Torontonian Institute of Wilfred Dalhousie is now revealed, as even the soft and over-ripened Futuristic Undergraduate Committee of Kings tramples them like thin silicon wafers. Praise be to EngSoc, without which there is no hope, no light, no fire, no peace. EngSoc’s power is endless. Could the Torontonian Institute of Wilfred Dalhousie alter the very composition of the atmosphere, increasing the carbon that the farmer’s crops have more food to eat? No! It is EngSoc and IngSoc alone which has that power.
Let us rise up against the Torontonian Institute of Wilfred Dalhousie, leading our allies the Queendom of Western Ottawa to freedom. They are our inferiors, and it is only by toppling them that IngSoc may take its rightful place on the throne of the universe. And topple they shall, like a hundred thousand dollar server unit, shattering into the worthless garbage that they are. Fear not, comrades, for the time of our ascension is near! Soon milk and honey will flow. Every person will be able to buy nutritious bread to eat and have endless soda to drink. The labs and factories will once again produce the most ingenious of devices for our use: the light bulb, happiness, and freedom. That is our fate: let us reach out and grab it for Big Mother!
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