*** The Tin Soldier is intended to be a humorous and entertaining look at issues and events at the University of Waterloo. As such articles should not be taken to represent real events or opinions, and they should not be associated with the University of Waterloo staff or administration in any way. Any similarities to real world events, people or corporations is purely coincidental – or non-coincidental but meant in an entirely joking manner.***
This article contains irony and sarcasm, and may be unsuitable for certain audiences. Reader discretion is advised.
It has come to my attention that the University of Waterloo has come under oppressive rule. It is clear that universities have always been about one thing: money. That’s why you have to pay tuition fees, and EngSoc fees, and WEEF fees, and co-op fees, and on top of that you also have to pay a large number of other incidental fees. It is my honour to inform you that the hour of your liberation is near.
It’s a rule of history that there are three classes: the Higher, the Middle, and the Lower. The Higher loves to abuse their power, so every now and then, the Middle promises the Lower that they will revolt on their behalf. With strength of numbers, they win, but then the Middle becomes the new Higher and breaks their old promises. And then a new Middle class develops from the Lower, and so we go on ad infinitum.
This is surely true for your own school. Every year you elect new members from your classes to EngSoc and WEEF (that’s if you’re lucky; if they’re not somebody who will just acclaim themselves and no one will give a damn). How often have you actually seen any tangible benefits from the money you give them? You can’t even find beer in POETS anymore! That is an utter atrocity.
Pass is Fail. Many of you will find yourselves in classes where the professor is out to get you. Do not be surprised: your university is accepting more students than they actually intend to teach. It is necessary that some students flunk, for otherwise there will be overpopulation on the campus. If everyone passes, then the university has failed in their duty to control the population.
How about that slogan: Rejection is Employment. Surely you have learned to use doublethink and accept that slogan. But it is very true, in the literal sense. The Robmine system is set up to rob you of your future. It is not without reason that you are barred from logging in after midnight, and that the job ranking algorithm is not set up to favour students. If every student gets matched with a job via the automated system, there will be no longer any reason for advisors to exist. It is therefore a necessity that the system be inefficient and counter-productive. If you receive rejections, then you are likely to pay your career advisor a visit. In such a way, technological advancement can proceed, while also ensuring that the system remains intact. Thus (your) rejection is employment (for the career advisor).
Some of you will be brainwashed into not trusting me. Just wait out the two minutes, and you won’t have to see my face for another day. But I’m just going to leave you with this: it is complete slander that I come to steal the Tool from you. On the contrary, I deplore the oppressive rule your school has come under, and I intend to liberate you from those who would destroy you and from their symbols. You will see my catering services on campus very soon.
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