In 2009, Qatar won the bid to host the 2022 FIFA World Cup, beating out Japan, South Korea, Australia, and the dear old US of A. Its victory had nothing to do with totally false allegations of bribery, favoritism from the president for potentially being the first of the 22 Middle Eastern nations to ever organize the World Cup, or general administrative quackery: Qatar won because it is absolutely the best choice to host the FIFA World Cup.
For one, Qatar has a low population: 2 million residents (World Bank, 2012). They must be very lonely there. The FIFA World cup is expected to bring in up to 1 million football fans, increasing the population of Qatar by 50%. In order to support these people for the duration of the World Cup, Qatar will be making extensive investments in its infrastructure: new roads, a new railway, new hotels, and a brand spanking new 260,000 resident city called Lusail to surround the stadium hosting the first and last matches of the tournament. Other cities just build Olympic Villages, but Qatar gets a whole city with the population of Kitchener, which will also incorporate luxury shopping malls and an all-giraffe zoo. Who will they populate it with once the games are over, I wonder? Perhaps retired FIFA officials with large pensions.
Naturally, this is a huge 220 billion USD undertaking, but Qatar plans to save money by using the bones of migrant workers for the foundations of its stadiums and transportation infrastructure. In 2013, 185 Nepalese workers died during construction for the World Cup, and it is estimated that at least 4000 more will die for the cause. Bones are an unlikely construction material, but they have a compressive strength of 170MPa, tensile strength of 120MPa, and shear strength of 50MPa. In comparison, granite has a compressive strength of up to only 140MPa, and regular-strength concrete is 30MPa. Furthermore, in the desert, bones are much easier to come by than quarried aggregate: migrant workers comprise of 94% of the workforce in Qatar. The large migrant workforce actually helps to save money during construction, since they are paid with sunshine and sand. They also hand their employers their passports for safekeeping in perpetuity – really, why would anyone want to leave?
Secondly, Qatar is warm and sunny in the summer: a pleasant 50 deg C out of the shade. This would passively help to increase athlete performance during the games. everyone knows that heating substances causes molecules to move more quickly because E=0.5mv2.
Initial plans proposed having the stadiums would employ unprecedented solar-powered cooling technology, because the shock of going from 50 deg C to 20 deg C was thought to jump the athlete’s systems into responding to the game like a fight-or-flight situation, thus keeping them on their toes and improving their reflexes. However to save money, Populous, the architectural firm retained to design the air-conditioned stadiums have decided that “the system is too expensive and ‘notoriously unsustainable’ for the environment when used on a large scale”, plus it would be much better to keep the athletes warmed up when on the field, so they don’t get brittle and shatter.
Some proponents of the temper-and-quench approach to forging great athletes differ, of course. In September 2013, some milk-drinking FIFA World Cup executives made a motion to evaluate the feasibility of a winter event. This would make the World Cup concurrent with the 2022 Winter Olympics, the holiday season, the British football season and the American football season too.
Homosexuality is generally illegal in Qatar, but FIFA executives and Qatar officials have been willing to meet halfway on that point: Gay football fans and alcohol consumption will be tolerated in designated “fan zones.” However, FIFA president Sepp Blattar politely requests that gay people “refrain from any sexual activities” during their stay in Qatar, so that they don’t trigger the persecutional instincts of the police and accidentally get stabbed with a pitchfork.
Speaking of which, Qatar’s neighbour Kuwait plans to use a new screening process to “conduct routine medical checks to assess the health of expatriates… and detect gays.” Qatar and the other members of the Gulf Cooperation Countries have also agreed to adopt this test. It’s heartwarming that the Gulf Cooperation Countries take such interest in the plight of LGBT persons, and it would be brilliant if Kuwait could share their screening process with the rest of the world as well, so that I can use the gaydar for my love life.
Furthermore, Qatar is generously relaxing its rules on alcohol consumption. Alcohol is illegal for consumption in Qatar except when sold by luxury hotels for consumption by expatriates and tourists. For the first time, Qatar will also be establishing ‘fan zones’ in which alcohol will be distributed. Football hooligans will need to sign a code of conduct promising to exercise their self control and not stray outside their designated drink consumption areas. Inebriatedly rioting in the streets and passing out on the doorstep of a mosque is strictly prohibited. These are eminently reasonable conditions that any diehard football fan would follow out of respect for the dignity of their sport, or fear of the po-po. In either case, celebrations shall be solemn and dignified, as befits the most popular sport in the world.
All in all, Qatar is clearly an exciting choice to host the 2022 FIFA World Cup. Their economic and technological innovations, inspirational climate, and attention to brotherhood are awe-inspiring. While the western world certainly cannot hope to emulate Qatar, we can learn much from hosting the 2022 FIFA World Cup in Qatar.
A round of applause to everyone involved.
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