Dear friends, acquaintances, and people we will soon no longer have to tolerate, we are here today writing the REAL last ever Topz (With a Z) column for The Iron Warrior “newspaper.” Over the past four years we’ve made you laugh and made you cry, and then in return asked that you pretend to read our shitty column and tell us you liked it. Now, as a final gesture we would like to get real with you and reflect back on the top things that we learned as columnists for the IW.
The world needs knuckle-heads
…or at least that’s what we tell ourselves. The Iron Warrior distinguishes itself as one of the only serious engineering undergraduate newspapers in the province. Most eng-news tends to be juvenile, self-serving, and obnoxious. We feel that this is a proud tradition worth upholding. Topz (With a Z) has been part of a long line of satirical or comedic columns including Dangerman and anything Roy Lee ever wrote. We’d like to believe that our departure next year will be a notable absence, but are aware of how deluded and conceited that is. In truth, a few people might remember us and then make a polite reference to our existence in a few years when they write their own farewell piece. But of course they probably won’t be as cool and handsome as us.
Satire is fun, but cowardly
Early on in our career we thought that we were very clever, that we were making poignant and ironclad arguments, we thought that referencing Fight Club was funny. But over time we’ve come to realize that ours is an easy job. To snipe from the bunker of “satire” is to attack without vulnerability. And to fight without vulnerability is cowardly. So many times we’ve taken jabs at people’s earnest and honest (but ultimately stupid) endeavours, and more so than through pseudonyms, we hid behind the fact that we were always “only joking.” Don’t get us wrong, satire is a lot of fun, and can do a service in helping people see things in a different way, but do not confuse being clever for being wise, or being cynical for being earnest, or being Algernon for being Earnest.
Some things get better with time
…but your creative works never fall under this category. Reading our old articles in preparation for this edition made us realize that we really don’t find the same things funny that we did in first year. It’s tempting to be derisive or embarrassed by these pieces, but it is better to see it as growth. A lot of the time people shy away from expressing themselves creatively out of fear of embarrassment. But if we didn’t write about “passionalization for rationalization of procrationalization” we never would have progressed our senses of humour with the same degree of criticism and intentionality, which we both feel is central to our self-identification. So in short, express yourself and just embrace that you’re going to cringe at it in five years.
Being a hater is really fun
Anyone who reads Topz (with a Z) might have noticed at least 70 percent of our articles are us hating on people, places, or things. And the reason we do so is because it is easy, fun, and we believe funny. We tell ourselves that we are criticizing society and culture in an effort to get people thinking in a way that would better themselves. And maybe we do sometimes. But a lot of the time we’re just making fun of nerds (ourselves included). We aren’t disavowing these comments, those losers deserved it and our criticisms were valid. But hating too much makes you a hateful person, which sucks for everyone. Nobody likes a committed-hater, including the hater themselves. When we write Topz (with a Z) we try to expel the negativity so that we can live our lives more positively, but it’s a fine line between venting and wallowing, especially when it’s done in a public manner. So while we don’t think that hate is a viable way of life, we do think it’s a valuable tool for self-reflection and a fun, easy past time. Being constructive can be a chore.
There’s always going to be somebody who doesn’t get the joke
There are two ways to go about writing humour-column: you can write what you think others will find funny or you can write what you find funny. That doesn’t mean having no respect for boundaries or hardlines (such as rape-jokes or racial humour), but rather having respect for your own sensibilities. When we wrote Topz (With a Z), the only people we were trying to make laugh were ourselves and our close friends who share our sense of humour. If we entertained anyone else (which we are aware is a very big “if”), then that’s awesome and we’re happy about it, especially if that someone else is a pretty girl who would sleep with us … please! That having been said, it always hurt just a little bit when someone completely missed the point when they were the target audience. It hurts almost as much as when you lose “The Game!” Haw haw, trolled ya! 😉 … this time we’re going to be explicitly clear that the previous sentence is an expression of how much we hate “internet culture” and tired memes.
Save as you work.
Ctrl+S.
The future is now
Live in the moment, you miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take, success is 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration it’s not the destination, it’s the journey teach a man to fish the grass is always greener on the other side if you’re the dumbest person in the room, you’re in the wrong room sex sells bitches don’t know a friend in need is a friend indeed you go girl a man is only as deep as his V you only use 10 percent of your brain bazooper.
If you enjoyed the work we did at Topz (for a Z), we would like to sincerely ask that you consider taking the torch and starting your own humour-column. It doesn’t have to be very good, just look at the first few we wrote on The Iron Warrior’s website … or if we’re going to be perfectly honest, the one you’re reading now. Thank you for giving us an excuse to indulge in something so fun. We love you.
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