The residents of Tornado Alley in the Midwest United States could be seeing a lot less tornadoes if physicist Rongjia Tao from the University of Philadelphia Freedom has his way. His proposal suggests that the building of three absolutely massive as heck walls would stop air currents from doing the ‘woosh’ thing where they bump into each other and get all mad. As we all know, mad air currents quickly begin to vortex their anger into the massive twisters that we all love and fear. The walls would act like pseudo-mountains to keep the hormonal air currents away from each other, also playing soothing music every twenty minutes past the hour in a further attempt to create a calming environment.
At the moment, preliminary designs for the three walls have begun circulating the internet, including orientations resembling a rejected Tetris piece, the Triforce of Power, an emu, and Tao’s personal favourite, the three-circle-bullseye. When asked about his preference for the design, Tao pointed out the most obvious benefit of only having to buy one type of rounded brick per wall, but also noted that since the walls were “totes gonna be seen from space” that he wanted to make sure that the aliens knew where they were supposed to land/attack.
The Department of Defence has already expressed concerns regarding the walls as a potential target for terrorist attacks and other bad mojo. As a result, they have recommended the creation of a military force tasked only with the constant guarding of the big-ass walls. The General Lord Commander Olivier Jean Snow Erwin Pentecost has recommended either fitting the guards with incredibly complicated gear that would allow them to “fly through the sky like Spiderman”, producing gigantic robots that could punch through the walls before anyone could destroy them, or just building the wall itself out of guns that would shoot anyone with non-patriotic thoughts. Tao has openly criticized the ideas, insisting that ten or twenty farmers with arrows or something would be plenty in terms of security.
With public approval for the new walls rising (pun only minority intended), fanclubs and other legions of support have already begun forming across the nation. With no official names for the walls currently confirmed, the public have taken up a few terms to refer to the ambitious project, including “The Great Wall of America”, “Jericho Pt. II: The Reckoning”, “Mother Maria”, and “Berlin’s Sexy Other Half”.
Statistics Canada — who was bored enough to actually crunch and punch some numbers — said that big walls had an approximate 95% failure rate in pop culture and so advised heavily against any forms of written or filmed media regarding the wall. They also sent a bouquet of hyacinths and some cheap champagne to knock against the wall once it was finished.
However, there has already been some animosity towards the wall from rebellious factions. Despite the fact that construction on the walls has not yet begun, already three phallic drawings have appeared in the dirt and bean fields where the walls are expected to be built, although one could just be a weird crop circle. Other attempts at destroying the walls have all failed due to the fact that the walls have not been built yet.
This reporter would love to tell you that this is entirely a work of satire, but unfortunately Rongjia Tao is a real physicist who really is wanting to build big walls to stop tornados. Don’t do drugs, kids.
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