Only someone desperate would write a 1700 word plug begging for a job , right? Wrong. I am not desperate, I am just picky. At least, that’s what I tell myself, and my friends, and my family…and anybody who is wondering how a highly qualified (for those of you wondering) 3B Mechanical Engineering student entering his final work term is still unemployed as we enter April. Never mind that most first years I know have a job already. They just have lower standards, and expect lower pay, and are not overqualified for all the jobs that I was turned down for. Plus, I really am not trying that hard, because it’s my sixth work term and I have the five credits, so really this job is just for shits and gigs, right? Right. Also, if I was seriously desperate, then why would I miss two interviews? If I really cared, I would’ve showed up, right? It’s not that I have terrible organizational skills or that I am overwhelmed with course work and being (the highly esteemed) Editor-in-Chief of this (highly esteemed) newspaper. I am in total control, and any employer would be damned foolish not to hire me. In fact, the only reason I am remotely trying to obtain employment this term is so that I can afford to travel the world after I graduate and become a more sophisticated person (thanks for the advice, Edward Blake and Wade Wilson). So, in the interest of obtaining the funds to become a better person (I know, it’s hard to believe I could become better) I will convince you (yes, you) why you (yes, you) should hire me (yes, me, the (highly esteemed) Editor of this (highly esteemed) newspaper).
1. I rarely take bathroom breaks
For those of you who know me, I rarely need to waste time in the washroom. With the help of immodium, lots of fibre and a diet consisting largely of store-bought frozen dumplings, pierogies (which I can no longer eat thanks to a bout with food poisoning from expired bacon (which usually go very well with pierogies). Never, ever, ever say YOLO to expired bacon; you and your roommates will grow tired of the endless, deafening vomiting that you will endure all day long, (thanks Andrew McMahon, what a dick)) and reheating food that my (wonderful) mother gives me, I only have to give in to bowel movements once or twice a week (thanks Michael Laanvere for teaching me so well), so when that ever-so-important project is approaching the deadline, I, your faithful employee, will not have to waste time pooping instead of working. And if you want me to poop less, I can improve!
2. I am always, always calm
Want a guy who is cool under pressure? Who never freaks out? Who is, as they say in Eastern cultures that I will surely learn about when I travel the world with the money that you pay me for being so calm and rarely pooping, always in a state of Zen? Well then, look no further, my respected potential employer. My tendency towards calm and evenkeeledness is notorious amongst all those who know me. I am the guy who learnt all of Statistics in one day, having only thrown one lamp at the wall all day (I did that on purpose so I could wake up my roommates and force them to also learn Statistics in one day, because there is no other way to learn that course, am I right? I hope Control Systems works the same way, or me and all of my classmates are screwed). I am infamous for my ability to maintain my calm, even when it is approaching 1 pm on a Sunday and I still have to write half of The Tin Soldier while my (second) best layout editor (I am talking about Krishna Iyer) spends the afternoon building a computer that I will never use (also for a guy who says he used to build computers for a job, he is pretty damned slow).
3. I never, ever forget anything (okay, except the occasional interview…or two)
If you want a man who never forgets anything, I am that man. I only forget about interviews because I don’t really want a job that badly, okay? Then why hire me, you may ask? Well, you should hire me because I am so damned good that even my half-assed, uncommitted self is better than all of the other unemployed chumps you have to choose from (I am talking about you, my fellow classmates (specifically Paul Desjardins, if you hire him all he will do is play poker and talk about how much better Alberta is than British Columbia (see last issue) and honestly, he isn’t even talking about Banff or Jasper, he is talking about Fort McMurray. The sun shines for like half an hour a day there for a whole month a year. Sorry Paul, but Vancouver wins this battle by a long shot, even if you did win article of the issue last week. Please don’t kick my ass). But yes, I never forget anything…except when I don’t care, and when I don’t care, I am still better than everybody else.
4. I am humble
Except when I don’t care, then you can go to hell.
5. I am really good at hands on work, specifically building gravity powered cars for design projects
We have to build a gravity powered car for our third year project based course, ME 380, and most of the time (like 40 percent) I can even tell which end of our car is the front, and which is end is the back. And the results show. We had a construction check the other day, and our car was only 50 percent overweight! And only some of the wood we used to build the car was split. Also, we managed to prove that 3D printed plastic and a drill press do not go well together. Not bad for four half-drunken (okay, one guy was sober) guys operating power tools the evening before the deliverable is due, right?
6. I never procrastinate
Except when it comes to things that I don’t care about, like my design project, or my Tin Soldier editorial, or Statistics or Control Systems, or important deadlines at work (I sure hope my copy editors catch that). Sometimes, I procrastinate when I have to poop, only occasionally resulting in disaster (no, don’t worry, that hasn’t happened for years). And when on that rare occasion when I do procrastinate, I am always calm when the time comes that I can no longer procrastinate (except when it comes to Statistics and lamps).
7. I am the (highly esteemed) Editor-in-Chief of a (highly esteemed) newspaper
‘Nuff said.
8. I am not a racist
You know that new category they added on the work term evaluations about promoting diversity in the workplace? I only once ever got less than Not Applicable on that category. And that time everyone was just being a little too sensitive, okay? I mean have you ever heard the one about the Jew and the Muslim that walk into a bar? And on to my next point.
9. I am hilarious
I mean come on, just read this article, I’m sure it has you in stitches. And if you don’t think it’s funny, well then f*** you.
10. I am open to constructive criticism
Unless you don’t think this article is funny, then read above.
11. I am a Man’s Man
Any man who coined the term ‘Man’s Man’ has to be one himself, right? Yeah, I coined that term, or at the very least popularized it. If you need to be explained what it means, well then, you clearly are not one.
12. I never run out of reasons for why you should hire me
Except after we reach reason 11 and I still have another 400 words to write, I really hope I catch a second wind here.
13. My favorite video game is the original Super Smash Bros.
Honestly, this is the greatest video game of all time. If this game does not elicit emotions of rage, sheer happiness, and increase camaraderie amongst those playing, then read the last two words of reason 9. I play as Donkey Kong because he emulates me so well (he is strong, powerful, and I also bet he is the best of all the characters at building gravity powered cars). If this counts as a second wind, I really hope we don’t get to a third.
14. I am going to run Around the Bay in a year, and I am going to be faster than all of my roommates (except the one who is actually in decent shape, he might beat me)
In conclusion, I seriously hope nobody who is looking for a coop student this summer ever reads this. If they do, for the record, I am not an arrogant asshole, and I actually do poop a lot. I hope this article got at least one cheap laugh, if not then go back to number 9 again.
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