Howdy sexy readers of the Iron Warrior Newspaper. I know while you read this amazing paper that you think to yourself, “How is this newspaper made and why is it so amazing? I am in awe of the layout and the proofreading that has gone into this newspaper.” You can thank our all-glorious and immortal leader, the Editor-in Chief. The grand exalted editor-in-chief ,or EIC for those acronym lovers out there, assigns articles for us lowly staff writers to write, pictures for the lowly photographers to photograph and the comics for the lowly illustrators to draw. Often described as a thankless job (by the EIC), the job includes snacks, asking people for advertisements, and long hours. (Sorry incoming EIC). So to get to the meat of the article, how does one approach and talk to all-glorious leader editor-in-chief? What does one do when needing to communicate with the eternal-for-one-term-editor-in-chief?
Why hello again, I hope you are enjoying this new paragraph. Anyways, sexiest newspaper reader on campus, the great supreme leader Editor-in-Chief can often be distinguished from the rest of the Iron Warrior writing staff by their appearance. Sadly, Dear Leader Editor-in-Chief still displays signs of humanity and thus will spend countless hours toiling for the good of the nation, I mean paper. Often weekend times, he will emerge from the Iron Warrior Office, dishevelled and with blood shot eyes. Do not worry kind readers, the EIC has not been partaking in the illicit drug substances; the EIC’s appearance is due to lack of sleep. Every other Saturday and Sunday is production weekend, meaning Brilliant Leader Editor in Chief will be personally editing and designing the upcoming issue, making sure the lowly staff writers’ mistakes are corrected so that the attractive readers of the Iron Warrior Newspaper has something to do whilst sitting on the toilet. The look of defeat on the Editor-in-Chief’s eyes can be intimidating at times but here are some solutions that will help you talk to the Editor-in-Chief.
SOLUTION THE FIRST: A Game of Thrones!
Become blind, then you only need to hear the exhaustion in the EIC’s voice, or just phone them. Whichever is easier. You can also text and Facebook message the EIC but that is not talking to the EIC anymore and that is cheating. If you are in a situation where you need to talk in person to all glorious, eternal-for-one-term Editor-in-Chief, bring an offering of snacks or beverages so to appease the dark spirit that embodies the Editor-in-Chief during production weekend.
SITUATION THE DEUX! Sometimes, the problem is not that you want to talk to the Wonderful and benevolent leader, Editor-in-Chief, but the EIC seems to be talking to themselves. At times, the EIC will be muttering curses at the computer for constantly bluescreening because the computer does not have enough pixels to handle the sheer awesomeness that is the Iron Warrior Engineering Newspaper, angrily cursing their staff writers to get articles in on time for editing, and demanding articles from EngSoc. Have no fear, the EIC is only crazy on full moons. Actually every other weekend. When the EIC is suffering from PWS, or Production Weekend Syndrome, bring them chocolate, a copy of “The Notebook” and ice cream. Otherwise, the EIC will be seen haunting the halls late at night on weekends muttering things like “EngSoc still needs to send in articles” or “Why is this article missing entire words?” and that is not good for Dearest Leader Editor-in-Chief. When you see this happen, do not be a passive by-stander, do something to help because if you aren’t part of the solution, you are part of the problem.
SOLUTION PART 2: The Empire Strikes Back!
Hire a priest, witch doctor, or TA to cleanse the EIC’s spirit of the darkness that comes with PWS. Waterbenders are also effective in this as they can bend water to remove the dark spirits. This helps so that the all glorious Editor-in-Chief becomes mortal for a weekend and you can talk to them about things like articles and layout.
SOLUTION 3: The Return of the King (Editor-in-Chief)!
Constantly assume that the EIC is muttering to themselves and ignore the all mighty and omnipotent Editor-in-Chief even if they are yelling at you to get your article in on time.
To end this article I just want to say, good luck to the incoming Editor-in-Chief, may your reign be kind and fruitful of monies so we can go to a nice place for staff dinners. To the exiting Editor-in-Chief, HELP HELP, I AM BEING OPPRESSED! MY FREEDOM OF SPEECH IS BEING RESTRICTED BY YOUR CENSORSHIP! So to the incredibly intelligent and ridiculously good looking readers of the Iron Warrior Newspaper, help your Editor-in-Chief by writing more articles and remember, grammar iz not important. Nor iz spellin, write in a foreign language and just hope it gets published.
Lots of love,
Ching
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