On June 18, 2013, researchers from the University of Waterloo announced that they had developed a vaccine for bitchface. Bitchface is a crippling disease that occurs mainly in females, but can occur in males as well. It usually emerges during or after puberty. Symptoms of bitchface include angry eyes and a turned-down mouth. There is social stigma associated with bitchface, even though it is a harmless cosmetic disorder: afflictees are shunned and not invited to parties as the general populace is afraid of bitches.
The vaccine is comprised of sunshine and puppy hearts and works by forcing children to smile all the time so that when they relax they always smile, rather than adopting a scary neutral expression. The researchers suggest that it should be applied to males and females under 13 who have not yet developed bitchface, since older people who have bitchface tend to have their faces stuck that way.
A cure for bitchface in post-pubescent advanced sufferers has not yet been developed, though a recent therapy known as S-3X has been known to relieve symptoms temporarily: unfortunately, S-3X can be extremely expensive and not easily procured by members of the general public, including those with bitchface. Botox is also effective in relieving the symptoms of bitchface, though in some cases it causes one’s face to freeze in an even more horrifying expression.
But just as quickly, the Fundamental Association of Parents has rejected the vaccine for bitchface. “Allowing our daughters to get vaccinated will make them desirable to men instead of scary. This vaccine will promote promiscuity. We will not allow our daughters to look like wanton scarlet women.”
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