Microsoft announced at the Erotic Entertainment Expo (E3) today that they have some exciting new initiatives ready for their highly-anticipated video game console, the Xbox One. Previous appearances of the console highlighted the daily internet connection requirements, mandatory integration with their Kinect camera and the ability for the console to offload some processing requirements to external servers. Their E3 announcement, titled “Divergent Ideas for Creative Kinect Services,” featured some interesting features to improve non-platonic relationships, such as automatic recording of sexual encounters in the living room.
Microsoft representatives were very eager to share about the recording feature, and could not wait to share with reporters from the hard-hitting Tin Soldier. “Due to the consistent connection of the Kinect to the Xbox One, we have found intriguing and intimate ways of recording spontaneous and sensual moments in the video game player’s life,” gushed Harry Peacock, Microsoft’s Director of Online Universal Casual Harmonious Experiences. “When you decide that you want to change things up with your sexual partner and do it on the couch instead of in the bedroom, Xbox One will be there, literally watching. We’ve even programmed the system to listen for common phrases heard during these encounters, like ‘unnnh,’ ‘ooh yeahh’ and ‘not there.’ As expected, this feature is turned on by default.”
Acknowledging the fact that hardcore gamers do not often experience these situations, Peacock hinted at some alternative features offered by the Kinect that can appeal to that customer base. “We know most of you who play Halo or Call of Duty haven’t matured to the point where you can properly pleasure a potential partner, so in our new version of the Kinect, we have the ability to measure for instances where a player is squeezing the squid, like if there are sounds of increased breathing or if there are drops of salty liquid covering the players face.”
Peacock stated that videos generated through the automatic recording feature will be automatically uploaded to Microsoft’s servers to be “dissemenated” to other consoles, where their players can assign Gamer Points for videos they like. Players can also nominate the creators of each video for Xbox Live Achievements. “I hope the videos of me rubbing one out to Cortana get me a couple achievements,” spilled Halo champion 69n00bfag. “I’m really excited to get ‘Five Minute Marathon’ and ‘Curiosity Killed the Cat.’”
Microsoft plans to incorporate this feature upon launch, giving their play testers, developers and the NSA many more hours to test out their equipment before release.
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