#destroyerofworlds
When it comes to interesting places, I wholeheartedly believe Russia owns the largest share. I mean, where do you even start? There’s Tunguska, the site of a meteor impact that released more energy than a thousand atomic bombs. There’s the whole of Siberia, where you can witness the majestic sight of the elite Bear Cavalry in training, clearly superior to every other military force on the planet. Seriously, they’re BEARS. If it wasn’t for the fact that they cannot fight anywhere south of the Arctic Circle, the USSR would have won the Cold War by 1938 and we’d all be living in a worker’s paradise. It even has Moscow, which is one of the only cities that claim the distinction of burned-to-the-ground. (This is not blatant advertising for my column in that OTHER paper, the Iron Warrior, which happens to be on Moscow this week).
It makes sense that Russia has the largest number of attractions in the world. After all, it is the largest country in the world. However, Russia’s star attraction is clearly Chernobyl. Sorry, what’s that? Chernobyl is in the Ukraine? Oh, my mistake. You see, a recent investigation into the 2011 Russian elections revealed that the Communists had actually won the election, and not Prime Minister/ President Putin, as had been believed. Clearly, this report shows that in the near future, the Soviet Union will be reborn, and will swallow up all the Eastern European countries. Therefore, I am right; I am merely seven years ahead of schedule.
Anyway, back to Chernobyl. Everyone knows that the Cold War wasn’t really a war. It was more a contest. A contest of love. Both America and the Soviet Union fell in love with Nuclear in the summer of 1945. But only one of them could have her. So, the next 45 years can basically be told as a cliché love triangle amplified to a global scale. And in the end, America won out. The USA, or as the locals call it, ‘MURIKA!, went on to become a nation of bankers, financial disasters, and McDonald’s, while the USSR never could get over his loss. Nuclear left a metaphorical hole in his metaphorical heart, because, well, countries don’t have hearts. Well, it’s not really metaphorical. It’s a pretty real hole. That hole is called Chernobyl. The heart is definitely a metaphor though.
The Chernobyl power plant exploded in 1986. It is one of only two events classified as a Level 7, the highest level, on the International Nuclear Event Scale. The other was the nuclear disaster in Japan after the 2011 earthquake. Let’s break this down. It is classified as the highest level of nuclear disasters. That’s good; higher is better. It is one of only two places to hold this honour. Even better; it’s almost one of a kind!! Why isn’t the Ukrainian government marketing this more??
Unfortunately, the accident wiped out the majority of landmarks that I would normally talk about in this portion of the column, so I’m going to have think outside the box here, and instead talk about some other interesting things:
Wildlife
So, as it turns out, radiation has some surprising effects on DNA and life in general. Who would have guessed? Not me. For example, studies done on fauna that currently inhabit the Chernobyl Exclusion Zone (fancy words for GTFO) have shown that animals in the area tend to live for half as long as anywhere else. However, HOWEVER… they also reproduce twice as fast, so the population doesn’t drop, and overall population growth remains at the same level. It’s kind of heartwarming knowing that nature can adapt so well to anything thrown against it…makes you want to stop caring about the environment and start leaving your trash everywhere, doesn’t it?
Chernobylite
Chernobylite is the name given to a unique material found only in the highly radioactive nuclear reactor meltdown of the Chernobyl Power Plant. It is a glassy lava-like crystalline structure comprised of about 10% solid uranium. I like to think it glows green. Honestly, what is the government thinking? I’m sure many people would pay good money to take home some of this unique, highly radioactive substance not found anywhere else in the world.
Molemen
Up above, I talked about wildlife found in the area. However, the real attraction of Chernobyl is the knowledge that we are no longer the only sentient race on earth. Radiation does funny things to biological life and it appears that there is currently a colony of about 600 molemen residing in the heart of the one of the reactors- The rest of this article has been removed at the request of the SVR. Мы наблюдаем за вами.
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