With season three of HBO’s hit series, Game of Thrones fast approaching, many fans are knotting their underpants with excitement over what could be in store for their favourite characters. Luckily, here at The Tin Soldier, we have some very impressive and important connections with people who know people who maybe read one or two of the books a while back, and so we are able to give those eager beavers out there a sneak peek at who exactly is going to die and/or get horribly scarred.
Everything starts with Theon Greyjoy, the guy who was once bros with Robb Stark, and disappeared unexpectedly during the season finale. We discover that his abduction was ordered by his four uncles– Balun, Balin, Dwalin and Dorothy– to give him all of the name days (a Westerosi term that loosely translates to just about and rather roughly ‘birthdays’) that Eddard Stark did not, thus allowing him to become a man and making him take responsibilities for his actions. He goes back to Robb, apologizes for roasting his hometown, and they become instant buds again.
Having his bed bud forever come back starts a chain reaction in Robb’s motivation, putting a new spring into his step that ends in him becoming an unstoppable force of pure northern rage. He remembers that he has something his enemies do not: a gigantic direwolf that has strong enough jaws to rip everyone’s head clean off. He uses this to his advantage, striking fear into the hearts of all his enemies and claiming the north as his to rule.
The one most damaged in his new ruthless mannerisms is Stannis Baratheon, whose life turns an even grosser shade of brown than before after nearly all of his followers are either slain by Robb Stark’s men or abandon his strife because they realize he can’t win (and also kind of smells funny). Even that one weird Red Woman who killed his brother for him (what a sweet gal) leaves him, giving herself to Robb Stark. The young King sees that she’s totally hot– in more than one sense of the word– and forgets once again that he kind of pledged himself to another woman and decides to take her for his queen. Obviously, his ex isn’t too happy with the decision at all, but as soon as she complains about how out-of-character it is for him, the direwolf Greywind eats her face, drowning out anything coherent she had tried to say.
Of course, everyone is dying to know what’s going to happen to that sweet-looking dragon lady, Daynearis. Well, don’t you worry– HBO has you covered! Her dragon-children have grown big– and when by big we actually mean about the size of a newborn lamb. Still, that’s eight pounds of fire-breathing badassery that deserves to be voiced by Eddie Murphy, and that’s exactly the sort of intimidation that Danearus needs to get herself closer to the iron throne. Except even she cannot do it alone.
It is at this point that she decides go north of the Wall, up to everyone’s favourite bastard making buddies with the free folk. Last season, Jon Snow had to betray his brothers of the Night’s Watch, planning only to do so for a short time, but during his vacation he ends up realizing that the ridiculous rules aren’t really his style, and so decides to stick with the free folk. However, he is just starting to adapt to his new life, when Dénérees shows up and answers the question everyone has been asking: who is his mother? The answer: Dunayris’ mother! The two are actually siblings, but since this isn’t Star Wars, they decide to get married in a typical Targaryen fashion, and decide to become king and queen of the true north (eat your heart out Robb).
Meanwhile, in King’s Landing, everything continues to fall apart with the internal struggles amongst King Joffrey and his council. As soon as Cersei finds out that everyone likes Tyrion better than her, she transforms into an ugly witch and decides to poison him with an apple as red as blood (she said it was laced with Dornish wine so he didn’t think it was suspicious). The poor dwarf had no chance of survival, and met his untimely end just in time for the wedding between Joffrey and the gay knight’s sister. Unfortunately for her, though, Joffrey forgets how to play nicely and accidentally kills her while they dance during the wedding ceremonies. However, since no one was interested in trying to find another girl willing to be his queen, they simply reanimate her corpse with some magic and everyone pretends that she’s just a little less talkative than usual, keeping both the Lannisters and the Tyrells happy (whoever they are).
All of this, and much much much much much much more is waiting in store for the third season! Other highlights include the results of Sansa placing her fate in Littlefinger’s hands (which involves brothels), Bran and Rickon getting lost in some never-ending woods until they are turned into Stalchidlren, and Tywin Lannister constantly commenting on the rain in some place called Castomere. Many laughs are in store!
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