Once upon a time, in a land really REALLY far away, there lived fairy tale creatures that were pissed at everyone bullying them and giving them death threats. They were so peeved that they decided to file a class action lawsuit against all humanity. Their accusations against the defendant (being all of humanity) ranged from libel to missed royalties from the recent influx of fairytale adaptations.
First of all, the wicked stepsisters are suing for prolonged punishment as their eyes were pecked out as a result of trying to fulfill their own fairytale dream of marrying to better their lives. They further insinuate that it’s their mother who is truly to blame, as she is the one who squandered the family’s money. In fact, it is their mother who had brainwashed them since the age of 3 to hate Cinderella on principle. Video testimony gives evidence that the stepsisters were fed two cookies every time they tripped, name-called, or even took unflattering pictures of Cinderella and posted them on the pigeon-carrying wagons. The strongest pieces of evidence found to aid their cause was the fact that their eyes were pecked out by birds, and that they were forced to work as servants in Cinderella’s castle.
The Beast (from Beauty and the Beast) has also joined this suit with the intention of clearing the misconception that Belle was a victim of Stockholm Syndrome. In actuality, Beauty came to the Beast’s castle willingly and the pair actually got along well from the get-go. In fact, the Beast gave her her freedom immediately after imprisoning her, but she chose not to use it. Who can blame Belle when her family is quite useless? It’s not like Belle wanted to see them…she was just being the good daughter she was and paying the price for her father’s stupidity; after that, she didn’t actually give a shit about them. For this reason, the Beast is not a guy who manipulated his way into winning Belle’s heart.
The sea witch, Ursula, also has a fishbone to pick with Ariel. She’s suing Ariel (who’s an angel for no reason now) for breach of contract. Ursula claims that it’s not her fault that there is a certain give-and-take that is required to grant people’s wishes. It’s not as if she decided to turn away Ariel’s quest for true love. In fact, when Ariel fails to make an impact on the prince, the sisters give up all their hair to save Ariel’s life as she is doomed to die. Instead of thinking of her sisters’ wellbeings and mermaid-pattern baldness, she decides to jump off the boat. Not only does she fail to hold up her end of the bargain, the sisters now have to live with no hair for the rest of their lives. Who’s going to marry them now? On the other hand, Ariel, who is unable to think of others, becomes an angel after she jumps off. I must say, this scenario is much like a teenage girl obsessing over Biebs.
Maleficent, as of now, has decided to join this lawsuit, in an effort to correct the image currently present in media. She claims that she’s not the real villain in this story because the Prince and his family are the actual douchebags in this instance. Can you blame Maleficent for being majorly peeved if the ENTIRE kingdom is invited and she is shunned? She doesn’t even have fellow shunned-ones to interact with! Sleeping Beauty’s state can be entirely pinned on the Prince because he failed to save her as soon as he could, as he was busy raping and impregnating her while she slept. Imagine your surprise if you woke up to find that your body is mangled for popping two kids without consent…who’s really the bad guy here?
The next steps include consulting other creatures like the Giant and the Pied Piper for any grievances that they may (or should have) against humanity. Who can blame these guys for going with their nature? The estimated amount that the fairytale creatures are willing to settle for is over a hundred million gold pieces; which may come from profits spawned from the various reboots in movies…but let’s be honest, that’s not going to happen.
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