So just how prepared are you for a spontaneous zombie apocalypse? Don’t be caught unprepared– you never know which day will be the day that your friends and neighbours get a taste for… well, you! While some things may come naturally to you, some advice from an old expert can only help. But as our expert is on a temporary leave of absence, you’ll have to settle for me.
Tip #1: DON’T have a bunch of internal struggles within your group. Look, I don’t care if this guy slept with your girlfriend, or accidentally got her killed. Fighting with your fellow humans is a guaranteed way to ruin your zombie hunting season, and maybe just get you killed yourself. Punch him in the face, if it makes you feel better, but let your grudges go and, for Pete’s sake, don’t punish them by leaving them back at camp alone or locked up somewhere. More than likely you are going to forget what it was you fought about in a week after you amputate one of your partially infected limbs.
Tip #2: DO use hand tools. Not only are these effective for their intended purpose (and who knows if you’ll need to chop down a tree or engage in a samurai battle) but they serve as an awesome tool against your zombie foes. They never run out of ammunition, are less noisy than mechanized weapons, and make for some good messy fun.
Tip #3: DON’T use shotguns. A lot of you will be tempted to immediately go for the heavy firepower and give those undead buggers a good surprise, but really think twice before you do this. A lot of the time, shotguns provide only short term gain, long term loss as the loud sound will attract attention, and are characteristically dreadfully tedious to reload. Also, if this is your first infestation, you’ll not want to overestimate your capabilities with firearms. The last thing you’ll want during a good old minor apocalypse is a dislocated shoulder or fractured clavicle.
Tip #4: DO build tree forts. Studies have show varying climbing skills for zombies, but nearly every study has shown that they very rarely think to look up when searching for a nice meal. Camping on the ground is just asking for trouble– take the time to build a small community in your local forest if you ever have a free weekend.
Tip #5: DON’T be a cannibal. Or, at the very least, don’t let it become public knowledge. You’re going to be in for a rough time, as prejudices might run high. This is not the time to get the monkey off your back, or reveal any other deep dark secrets that might make the rest of your group of survivors angry at you. You might have to cut cold turkey for a while, but trust me, you’ll have your mind on other things. Safety tip: NEVER eat tainted meat.
Tip #6: DO call your family. It’s easy to forget about your old man when zombies are knocking at your door (quite literally) but do remember to give him and your mom and whatever relatives you have left a call. They’re probably worried about you, and it’s good to let them know what you are doing and how life is. Even if you aren’t much for small talk, you can always bring up your zombie hunting as a subject to ensure a good conversation.
Tip #7: DON’T pretend to be a zombie. While this may seem like a brilliant or even amusing idea at first, do try and think reasonably. This is a risky process, as it relies heavily on how good of an actor you are. Don’t take your 90 in drama class as an indication for your acting abilities– your Jim Carrey impression is actually quite terrible. Just because your audience lacks brain activity does not mean they are easily impressed. Also, don’t think that we can’t smell the body spray on you from here. This directly leads to the next point:
Tip #9: DO wash well. Staying clean and healthy should always be a priority. Try and take a shower whenever the facilities are available, as you never know when the running water is going to stop. The number one way to prevent the spread of infection is to wash your hands before and after melee battles, and eating or wiping your face, and touching other people. Think about where your hands have been, and what juices they’ve touched — like when you decapitated that one zombie that kind of looked like your old calculus professor. Yuck!
Following these tips, as well as learning some of your own, will make your first — and hopefully not your last! — zombie apocalypse a simpler and more enjoyable experience. Above all else remember to stay calm, have fun, and with a little luck you might just survive, and keep your spouse and kids! Well maybe. Don’t get your hopes too high.
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