I know that you were all worried (and a little heart broken) when you didn’t see my smiling face on one of the last pages of our bi-weekly publication, but don’t worry, I am obviously fine. I was on a TOP-SECRET (shhhh…) mission for the Peruvian government studying spontaneous speleogenesis in the black sea. If you don’t know what this is (I’m looking at you B-soccers, or B-footballers if you’re from Britain) then you will find detailed information in my previous articles.
But that’s enough about me, and on to how you’re getting stupider. That’s right, there is a 89% chance that while reading this article, the University of Waterloo is making you stupider (this article is obviously offsetting the UW Effect by educating you). Calm down. On the bright (no pun intended) they aren’t doing it on purpose (that we can prove at least). BACK TO THE FACTS. How is UW targeting your brain cells you’re asking. Well, I’ll tell you. WiFi! That’s right, all those little boxes on the walls you see around campus are actually brain killing machines. Don’t believe me?
Keep reading….
But I digress.
As an avid marine spelaeologist, the economic situation in Europe is very troubling to me (there’s lots of good spelaeologying to see in Greece). However, in lieu of recent events, it would seem as though the end of this crisis is well in sight. And when I say recent events, I am speaking of course of Kim Kardashian’s divorce to NBA Superstarrrr Kris Humphries. Allow me to explain.
With the current NBA Lockout it was the perfect time for Kim and Kris to marry, Kris had nothing else to do for a few weeks, so what the hell. Unlike most players who decided to take there skills in the sport of Basketball (or Hoop-Shot, if you’re British) elsewhere (such as Europe…I’ll get back to that). Kris took his talents to a different kind of Hoop (a wedding ring, OBVIOUSLY). Given that his time was so well occupied he had no time for such silly things as Basketball.
This brings us to the present. Kris Humphries, now alone and with no more attention being paid to him (since nobody cares abut someone who isn’t Kim Kardashian’s husband) Kris will look to resume playing Basketball. This will of course bring him to Europe, where basketball is growing strongly.
Along with Kris comes the sweet sweet taste of Kardashian alimony cheques. Using this added income Kris will begin spending all of his money on frivolous purchases in Europe, such as sports cars, luxury smoothies, and gym memberships. This increase in money to the European economy should be sufficient (by my calculations) to get Europe out of this crisis and re-stabilize the global economy.
HOO-RAY!
And with that my friend I bid you, adieu.
Until next time,
Brockgraeme Scottkopp
Leave a Reply