The future: it’s filled with uncertainty. What does it hold? What does it promise? Normally, you’re trapped in a small block of time; because this block is inconsequential, unimportant and ultimately forgettable we call it “the present”. But wouldn’t you love some magical technology that could allow you to peer into that vast unknown we call the “future”? Well, don’t hold you breath. That’s being flat-out techno-illogical. But what we can offer is our expert opinions on what the future of technology might offer. So lo and behold, we present to you the list of top future technologies to look forward to!
Wheel
You have heard of the AMD shoe, more recently their sled, and now they have outdone themselves again with their new 500,000,000nm wheel. Get this, it does not have any corners, this allows it to be cross platform compatibe with grass, dirt, sand, and even rock. Leaks from within AMD even suggest potential for working on extraterrestrial terrain such as the moon. However, it goes downhill from there for consumers because, while it is rolling, it does not collect any MOS, therefore it is incompatible with the industry standard SeaMOS technology. Environmental concerns have also risen about this “wheel” technology; AMD’s response to the criticism is to point out this is the first generation and gravel emissions would not be a concern in future models. We look forward to hearing more from AMD soon.
Fire
Destined to revolutionize every aspect of our way of life, the recently announced “fire” from the hacker consortium, Prometheus, is planned to be open source, making it free to use and reproduce. The fire will heat your home, cook your food, and provide light emitting torches (L.E.T.s) for your home even after the sun sets. Speculation exists over threats to release fire early due to a lawsuit filed by Olympus Co. that may delay the release indefinitely. Olympus Co. is not worried about the early release due to their position after surpassing previous industry titans. Furthermore, mention of a new “Pandora project” was hinted at by Olympus Co. Z. Jupiter during a recent press interview. Only time will tell how this quarrel turns out.
Tablets
Sceptics are criticizing the recent announcement by tech giant Hammurabi to release new tablet technology late next quarter. Hammurabi claims their product will revolutionize the status quo, making it easier to solve your problems with their patented chisel-and-hammer interface, combining the best of both worlds. Government interest in tablets is expected to comprise a large portion of their initial market for legislative branches, though Hammurabi hopes to capture the consumer market. Consumers, on the other hand, are holding out for later iterations of tablets. Industry analysts project the next generation of tablets will be more user-friendly, utilizing new energy-efficient OLED displays and AMD’s rumoured new Kal-El ARM-based mobile processors. Sadly recent patent disputes are slowing the process down.
Augmented reality
The main goal of augmented reality is to enhance how we perceive the world around us by actively modifying perception of reality. Recent breakthroughs in psilocybin mushroom research at Other-Castle Labs have been able to demonstrate how the “shrooms” can be used by travellers to enhance their appreciation of famous tourist attractions with tests performed in Europe. It’s not all smooth sailing at Other-Castle Labs due to advancement in the competing augmented reality technology in LSDs at Koopa R&D. Consumers have developed interest in both and predictions on which will persevere have begun to be made, but it is most likely that consumers will try both and pick what they believe offers the most out of this world experience. Competition is always good, allowing companies to shell it out for what is best for us.
Gravity
The wizards at Apple have done it again. Up-and-coming star Newt Issac announced at a recent conference the release of “Gravity”, to be easily integrated into the Calcul iOS, as early as next quarter. Industry competitor Gottfriend Co.’s investors are starting to worry, but CEO Niz Liebe ensures that he is confident that “Gravity” will be compatible with their d/dx operatoring system. Issac says Gravity will revolutionize the way we do everything from the way we exercise to how we orbit our planet around a giant ball of flaming gas. Apple has been on a roll ever since acquiring Research in Laws of Motion and industry analysts are wondering if they can do anything wrong. It is these writers opinions, though, that there are many gaping, black holes in Apple’s promises. For example, whenever asked to explain in detail exactly how Gravity is supposed to work, Apple CEOs tend to resort to vague answers and references to shaky ideas such as “other dimensions” and “fundamental forces of the universe”. So will Gravity be the next hot thing, or are techies due to a great fall of disappointment? Only time will tell, but we don’t think you should get your hopes up, the potential energy in a mob of disappointment can drive down share prices.
Voice Control
We sometimes wish that instead of having to open certain apps and websites to get a task done, we could just be able to say it to our smartphones, making our lives much easier. Tech companies have taken notice and are now SIRIous about implementing such usability in their devices. Some consumers consider the idea cool but mostly useless as they would prefer to type out what they want rather then talk, specially when in the public eye. Situations where we prefer to send texts rather than make a phone call come up frequently rather than allowing everyone around to listen in. RIM’s OS7 Blackberry phones have had audio universal search added onto their regular universal search feature with rumours of more implementation in future updates, including the possibility of being an integral part of their future QNX based smartphones. Now Apple has come along and released SIRI which fans are already going crazy about. With talks of Icecream Sandwich Android OS on the new Nexus phone it is Google’s move now.
So, are you ready for this new and exciting era? Let us know what you think at the alley behind the McDonalds, near the dumpster.
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