“There’s something happening here, what it is ain’t exactly clear.” Such were the wise words immortalized by Buffalo Springfield at the height of the hippie movement of the 1960’s, where millions (don’t quote me) of privileged college students demonstrated their opposition to the Vietnam War. Not to be outdone by their parents’ generation, the American youths of today are “occupying” public spaces all across the States in an attempt to address the rampant corporate excess and greed that is rotting their nation.
Of course, as Canadians, we are always late for the party whenever there is bound to be one (though there is nothing wrong with being late as long as it’s done in a fashionable manner). Should this particular American movement seep into our border and fester its ideals within the minds of the Canadian populous, it is then the purpose of this article to adequately prepare the students of the University of Waterloo for the upcoming protests. After all, looking out of place at a party is just so faux pas.
The first order of (anti)business is to get yourself to downtown Toronto, specifically to the heart of the financial district where your enemy awaits you. Stop! Leave that gas-guzzling, crap-box excuse of a car of yours in the driveway. Instead, make your way to the Student Life Center and purchase a one-way Greyhound ticket to Toronto (emphasis for the one-way ticket since this will be a long battle where you might not make it home). FedBus works as well if your pedigree is rooted in the lower-middle class. Next, give yourself a pat on the back for actually getting off of Facebook and taking the first step in making a commitment that is greater than yourself.
As you are about to embark on your two hour trip, be sure you keep your iPod close by and ensure that it contains at least two Bob Dylan albums (John Lennon can also suffice as a substitute). If you happen to have an iPad, Kindle, or PlayBook it would be a wise move to bring those along as well, as it is particularly helpful to have the entire eBook collection of Marx and Engels’ work in front of you, since knowing your literary and intellectual history will help legitimize your voice during the protest. Plus, using eBooks will save paper, which is good for the environment.
Having arrived in downtown Toronto, you will likely find enclaves of protesters concentrated either at Dundas Square or on Bay Street, where most of the financial services are headquartered. It matters not where you, as an individual, will demonstrate your dissatisfaction towards corporate greed. All that matters is that you follow the crowd and march where the collective marches, say what the collective says, and occupy where the collective occupies. You may occasionally walk against the grain of the crowd to demonstrate your own unique values, but do this no more than twice, since it will very distracting to those around you.
Should you ever need to take a break from loitering on the fat cat’s marble sidewalk, you may find solace in one of the many Starbucks in your vicinity where fresh, organic, and fair-trade coffee is served and where free Wi-Fi is abound for the people. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, now is the time to log on to Twitter and tweet about how you’ve just been manhandled by that brutish police officer. Remember folks, freedom of information is an abstraction that can never be silenced by the keepers of oppression! Use it to your power! However, be wary as to express your thoughts without disturbing the unique ambient mood that Starbucks is known for.
As you venture out again to the battlefield, your nose picks up an all too familiar scent. That of course, is the smell of enlightenment brought to you by mother nature’s own, cannabis sativa. Simply relishing in its haze will bring you into a state of trepidation and where you, upon a momentary lapse of thought, will be graced by the full forces of reason, love, and creativity. The cloud expelled from the lungs of that hippie chick next to you is in fact a metaphor for the biophilia that is innate in all of us, a union between human and nature as she welcome another toke into her own earthly vessel. Everything will be alright. There will be a job waiting for everyone after the double-dip recession. A double-dip recession caused not in the least by the banks which you now stand in front of. Or was it Goldman Sachs and their friends? Well, certainly no one in this crowd will remember. Picketing in front of Bank of Montreal will do for today.
Now it wouldn’t be a true occupation if everyone went home at the end of the day. Luckily there is a Canadian Tire adjacent to the Eaton Center where you may, for a reasonable price of $13.99 purchase a “mummy-style” sleeping bag (seriously, go look on their website, it’s there). Alternatively, you may prefer the au naturel method and find comfort in the remnant cardboard box of a 52″ Sony Bravia laying behind BestBuy’s loading dock. Both methods will quite adequately shelter you from the chilly autumn night that is fast approaching. In fact, the cold air is a blessing in disguise, as it lends the opportunity for you to camp close to your rebels-in-arms free from minding the social nuisance known as personal space — personal space that coincidentally belongs to a rather aesthetically-pleasing specimen of the opposite sex (or same, whatever floats your boat).
You probably don’t need much more guidance at this point, now that you’ve settled in. Simply follow your heart and do your part in bringing down the corrupt capitalist society that this generation has been entrenched by. As a closing note, be sure to spread the word and show this article to all your friends in the Arts department, as they are the ones who are going to need it the most in an economy like this.
Fight the power!
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