Another fall begins in Waterloo and with it the scent of new chances is in the air mingling with a distinct odour of manure to create the aroma called “hope”. Hope for passing grades, hope for fun times with friends, hope for less gaggles of geese, but most deeply and pressingly of all, hope for a delicious and nutritious diet that is both affordable and easy. Ordinarily you’d have to just give up and pay servitude to The King, but today is your lucky day: prepared for you is a list of the top ways to create delicious and nutritious food that’s both affordable and easy! So get out your notepads, you cooking mamas and papas you; all the leaves are brown, the sky is grey and it’s time to go for a walk towards gourmet, the easy way.
Go Organic: One trend that’s pretty fresh is going organic, as in only eating organic foods. As any Waterloo chemist knows, organic compounds are comprised chiefly of carbons, nitrogens, oxygens, and hydrogens. This means throwing out those alkali metals and noble gases stocked in your pantries (the former might react strongly to this decision but the latter should remain indifferent) and reloading them with organics: wheat, vegetables, beer, lard, psilocybins and petroleum. Yes, go organic and pretty soon all the sexy engineers will be looking to you for a backside attack.
Eat Raw: Eating organic is a good first step, but don’t ruin the natural goodness by cooking your food. In nature everything is good and safe, and only through human interference is danger possible. Cooking food is one of the earliest bastardizations of nutrition, and so to stay true to our ancestors’ perfection be sure to only eat raw fruits, vegetables, and meat and not washing your food, which takes away their nutrients. The fresher the better, so keep on the lookout for natural game, including squirrels, raccoons, geese and humans (they don’t call it soylent green for nothing!). Don’t forget: some wonders of the modern age are actually blunders (by which we mean to say that modern conveniences generally held to be advantageous (wonders) could actually have negative effects which outweigh their benefits, hence making them disadvantageous (blunders)).
Pill Power: If the past has taught us anything, it’s what we (the future) are long-overdue for: replacing food with pills (preferably ones that don’t make your swell to gargantuan size and violet complexion). The men and women of tomorrow will be harder, better, faster and stronger, and anyway to get closer to their world is a step in the right direction. Luckily wonder pills already exist, and are making their users feel invincible. These “performance enhancers” will enhance your performance (we’re pretty sure they’re legally obligated to) until you’re as healthy as a horse, not to mention twice as handsome (unless you’re standing next to a handsome columnist or two in dark black turtleneck sweaters and chains, sipping manly venti caramel macchiatos).
Cut Down on Sugars and Salts: The modern man consumes so much salt and sugar in his diet that it begins to resemble the scene in Scarface when Al Pacino has a lot of cocaine except instead of cocaine it’s salt and sugar and instead of Al Pacino its you, the reader (unless you don’t eat salt and sugar, in which case you’re strange and different and we don’t like you). However, it is essential to a healthy diet that we stop regularly doing eight-balls of these white poisons. One way to cut down on the damages of sugar is to cancel out the sweetness by drinking it with bitter coffee. The coffee’s bitterness will neutralize the sugars sweetness as visible by making the powder disappear without losing the taste! In fact, sugar and salt can be made to disappear in any hot aqueous liquid! You can mound your vices into a glass of hot beverage and satiate your cravings without damaging your body!
Preserve Ions: After an enlightening tour of mall kiosks, it has come to these journalists’ attentions that dangerous EMF waves are ruining people’s balance and the only way to shield our bodies from this harm is to use the power of protective ions. As any amateur urologist will tell you, precious urine is loaded with ions! So if you’re able to grynn and bear it, drinking your own piss will make it that you can protect your fragile meat-sack without even having to buy an effective but expensive negative ion bracelet. As you gulp down that salty soda, feel the liberation of magic ions!
By now you’re probably thinking, “boy howdy! With all this know-how I’ll be sure to be the next Julia Child or Gordon Ramsey”! Well you’re a dummy because anyone can read this paper and get the exact same tips and so you won’t have any uniqueness about your style. You don’t become the Barefoot Contessa overnight, you big dummy. Go read a book or something … idiot.
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