I would like to thank everyone for the overwhelming amount of mail I have received in the past two weeks. Unfortunately, due to space constraints, I can only answer the most important one: Why are you so handsome? To quote the great Lady Gaga, I was born this way.
But on to more pressing matters; the defenders of our green space. The university has come under fire more and more lately as a result of our ever-dwindling green space. Few people left remember the biology green or the rolling hills under optometry. While many students try to preserve these hidden gems by covering POETS and RCH in grass or raising the issue in public forums, no recognition has gone to the ever vigilant protectors, our geese.
These majestic creatures hold vigil on the University’s grass year-round, making sure that no students or unruly construction workers stray too far off the paths. But like all heroes, they get nothing but negative publicity. One-sided stories such as “those ****ing geese attacked me again” are all too common these days from people too ignorant to realize just how critical geese are to the functioning of our society.
If my moral arguments can’t sway you, maybe a little bit of economics can change your mind. Each goose deposits approximately 2 pounds of fertilizer on the grass each day (tinyurl.com/ilovegeese). With an estimated population of 200 birds, this results in 400 pounds of fresh fertilizer being spread across our campus on a daily basis. That’s over 66 metric tons a year! The obvious savings in fertilizer and labour costs are in the tens of thousands.
But I digress.
Like these noble defenders of our green space, there are also unsung heroes in other places. Again and again, I have seen and taken note of fine people, gentlemen (and ladies) of the streets, who are heroes of the road. I have seen many of these exemplary individuals including those who drive slowly in the passing lane, to ensure nobody is speeding. I also can’t avoid mentioning those who neglect their signals, just to make sure other drivers are paying extra-special attention to their surroundings. The finest people on the road must undoubtedly be those who follow slower moving cars very closely at the rear and weave in and out of lanes on the highway in a noble attempt to encourage better and speedier traffic flow so that nobody is late for work or other important things (you know what I mean).
These model citizens display the utmost courtesy and consideration for both fellow drivers and pedestrians alike. If someone is breaking the law by jaywalking you should not slow down, but speed up so they know that disregarding the law is not acceptable, no matter who they are (even if their name is Nicolas Cage).
To say these people deserve some kind of public recognition is a gross understatement. For the commitment these fine folks show toward protecting others, I personally believe they deserve some sort of financial, or material award (like fresh fruit, or several puppies).
This model behaviour is, luckily for all of us, not simply reserved for the streets. NO, NO!
This behaviour has transferred to our sidewalks and our hallways. For example, people who walk slowly and in large groups, maintaining a safe pace for those behind them so that they may avoid tripping on surprising obstacles. Their behaviour is so close to that of our green space protectors, the geese. Not only do they walk slowly, they stop suddenly to check their cellphones mid-pace, making sure those behind them are maintaining a safe following distance. One can only hope such formidable behaviour continues to be shown, perhaps even in greater numbers. For as somebody once probably said at some point “Being considerate is the best way to make friends and have a good time.” True story.
After such an uproarious response to my first piece of writing, I welcome all of you to send any questions, COMMENTS or concerns to brockgraeme@gmail.com and I will be sure to respond within 24 hours (PST).
Sincerely,
Brockgraeme Scottkopp
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