Hiya moviegoers! We’ve got a packed article today so let’s get down to business.
Everyone and their mother will tell you that the Canadian feeds of the Super Bowl are entirely terrible. The main reason for that is we miss all those killer ads that cost oh-so-much to make. Along with being the biggest sporting event of the year, this little game also becomes the biggest advertising day of the year. With that comes the best time for Hollywood to showcase what they have in store for us in the upcoming few months. All the blockbusters get their time to shine, and let’s have a little look-see into the latest and greatest 30-second spots you may have missed from watching a northern feed.
Super Heroes!
The two most notable trailers to hit the big game are, yet again, ones from the comic rack. Thor and Captain America took center stage in this cavalcade and in a few words, I’m not terribly impressed. Super hero movies over the last few years have become the staple of the Hollywood blockbuster, are being put out at a frantic pace, and bore the living hell out of me. The trailers for both of these movies do nothing to dissuade my opinion. Quick question. Do you know the backstory behind the comic book Thor? No? That’s because it’s not that good of a backstory. You see, Thor is a god on earth, immortal, and carries a massive hammer. His Wikipedia page says he also has the power of ventriloquism, I shit you not. The trailer looks so generic, that minus the hammer, you could fit any B-hero in there and shoot the movie the same. It comes out May 6th, and I’d rank it slightly better than Spiderman 3, but slightly worse than that crappy version of the Hulk.
If I had to pick a better movie of the two, I’d say Captain America takes it. Partially because movies set in World War II have a lot more material to work with, partially because his nemesis, Red Skull, is a well-established and worthy villain (I have a soft spot for villains who have no actual powers). Well defined and more apparent super heroes have a better structure, and Captain America allows for that more than Thor. Besides that, the action in the trailer seems hokey, with its slow motion jump shots, and typical fight scenes. A step up from Thor, this movie comes out on the 22nd of July.
Super Sequels!
It wouldn’t be summer without a bunch of sequels you never wanted! Pirates of the Caribbean 4, Fast (and Furious) Five, Transformers 3, and Kung-Fu Panda 2 highlight the new trailers for old ideas. You can’t really fault Pirates for making another movie: until one of those films makes under $500 million, they’re going to keep turning them out. The movies are fun, Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow is by now a classic cinema character, and is always good for a chuckle. Mermaids, Zombies and Blackbeard make up the baddies, much better than those squidfaces of previous movies. Seems alright. Go see it on May 20th if you’ve watched the others, don’t lose sleep if you haven’t.
I’ve already blasted the likes of Transformers two times now, so I’ll keep it short. The plotline is just as stupid; I don’t understand the need for Shia to be in these movies, and the action is still so shaky that you’ll have no idea what’s going on. I’ll skip it, you’ll watch it, and that will be that. July 1st.
Fast Five is a guilty pleasure for the heads of gear and meat variety. Cars go fast, cops try to get them. They’re in Brazi;, the Rock is in it. Expect lots of Bikini bottom and loud exhaust. The trailer has more fist fighting than car driving, which is never a good sign in a car movie. Nothing new to see when it comes out on April 29th.
The trailer for Kung-Fu Panda really annoyed me. We Will Rock You is so overused in bad movies that the mere sound of its initial stomps is enough for me to turn off the TV. Luckily I didn’t, or else I would have missed the god-awful ‘We Will Wok You’ line. This is the second of a planned 6 (!?) KFP movies, and I’m already tired of the idea of an animated Beverly Hills Ninja.This movie woks the theatre on May 26th.
Super Aliens!
This is an interesting category. There are two Alien movies coming to us soon. Both actually look pretty good. Battle: Los Angeles takes place in modern times with Aliens invading most of California. Shaky-cam filming, faked news reports and a whole lot of scary shit blowing up makes this trailer pretty intriguing. The movie looks tense and filled to the brim with action, something that other actions movie sometimes forget to add. Luckily, we don’t have to wait long for the movie to hit, as it takes the screen on March 11th.
Cowboys & Aliens is a fun one. Take a good cast, with Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford, Sam Rockwell, and Olivia (Tron Girl) Wilde, combine a funny premise of out-dated rifles getting blown to pieces by lasers and you have a movie that makes me want to put my butt in the seat. I have no idea how this movie is going to play out, what the ending will be like or how this will pull together at all, but I want to know. This thrill ride comes out July 29th.
Super 8!
While there are other movies I wanted to look at, it looks like I’m running out of precious IW space to talk about them all. My pick for the best Super Bowl Movie is none other than JJ Abrams’ Super 8. From the guy that did Cloverfield, Lost, and Star Trek, comes a movie just as shrouded in mystery as the others. The Wikipedia plot is two lines: a bunch of school kids are filming their own zombie movie. They witness a train crash and something inhuman emerges. Beautiful cinematography is bred from a great story filmed by a guy who has done nothing short of excellent in my books. The mystery makes it all the more appetizing and this is my movie I can’t wait for this summer. It comes out on June 10th. Not nearly soon enough, but it’ll definitely be worth the wait.
For all those other movies? Assume the rest of them are crap. Except Rango, but that’s for another day.
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