Full-featured graphical edition
By Christopher Harriston
Hey, sorry Lauren F., can I just steal the readers for a sec?
As some of you, a very small subset of engineering students, may know and care coronavirus has delayed the release of The Bachelorette and the ever-chaotic Bachelor in Paradise. We wanted to appease the need of the students who want to numb their brain watching an overproduced reality show with men and women alike not only competing for a life-long (actually more like year-long) romance but for a catchphrase to boost their Instagram brand, and the students who want to feel a little better about their love lives after an abysmal Aphrodite project match.
The Tin Soldier is proud to present an external MATLAB library that will let you simulate your very own BACHLAB. Linear systems have never been so romantic! You can model your very own bachelor and or bachelorette and give them all the characteristics to have a sweeping romance. They can be discrete, athletic, BIBO stable, or a poet. You can set the frequency to four times a night if you like windmills.
Now you have your Bachelor(ette), you get to design your dates. Zoom call too steamy, try romatic prose on a LEARN discussion board. BACHLAB allows your simulated romance to have dates everywhere on campus including, RCH 105. The thought of it gives me chills. Having too much fun? Trigger the SLC/PAC expansion option to enable infinite time.
To maintain the true essence of UW dating, BACHLAB integrates with reddit to host all rose ceremonies will be held on r/uwaterloo. You bet that people are going to complain but we will not move to our own mega-thread. Rankings for all the perspective spouses will be posted to Waterloo Works.
Never has dating been so lonely with BACHLAB!
How do you download BACHLAB you ask? Simply compute the following integral and send it to iwarrior@uwaterloo.ca
Where, a is the number of still-together BachelorNation couples as of March 2020; b is the number of BachelorNation alum to be featured on Dancing With the Stars; c is the number of Bachalor references in this article; f is the required number of hours in a co-op work term to count for credit; g is the number of distractions issues featured by The Iron Warror during Spring 2020.
For an additional and definitely reasonable $61 300, you get exclusive access to rosé and champagne flavour of bubble tea in all of the KW region.
Disclosure: Debugging can be tricky. Shake up the code too much and your may have your own champagne-gate.
By Haymitch Abernathy
Architectural Engineering & Architecture: 7/10
Able to build shelter with ease
Would get distracted by drawing nature
Access to Cambridge campus allows easy protection and quick escape
Biomedical Engineering: 6/10
Knows how to use medicine sent by sponsors
Can make a splint out of anything
Too used to the comfort of E5/E7 to appreciate the Outdoor Arena
Chemical Engineering: 8/10
Able to make deadly poisons and scale it up
Able to refine waste materials into a usable final product
Have a lot of will to survive so that one day they can have > classes/labs in E6
Civil Engineering: 8/10
Lack of bridges available in the arena lowers their spirits
Protected by hardhat at all times
Able to sneak around the arena by personal tunnel system
Computer Engineering: 5/10
Ability to hack Tracker Jackers (electrical killer wasps) and send > them after other Eng programs
Weakened by no wifi and low cell service
Have not seen the world outside of E7
Electrical Engineering: 5/10
Have the ability to rewire Force Field around the Arena and escape
Have not seen the world outside of E7
Lack of circuit components in the wild puts them at a disadvantage
Environmental Engineering: 10/10
Not only wins the Hunger Games, but makes the Arena a more > sustainable environment for future games
Knows everything about plants and whether they are poisonous
Used to being in the wilderness and comfortable with getting dirty
Geological Engineering: 9/10
Can sharpen rocks into weapons
Less likely to be chosen as tribute due to small program size
High adaptability to unknown and remote environments
Management Engineering: 5/10
High charisma levels and good at forming alliances with other > programs
Able to run simulations and optimize chance of survival
Prefer to use words instead of violence
Mechanical Engineering: 8/10
Can use items received from sponsorships to create traps for other > players
Skilled at using multi-tool as a weapon, but only in close combat
Determined to survive until they have classes in E5
Mechatronics Engineering: 6.5/10
Make a robot to send as tribute in place of themselves
Able to spot weak points in force fields surrounding the Arena
Would accidentally electrocute themselves playing with the tools > sent by sponsors
Nanotechnology Engineering: 4/10
Able to become very small and hide with the ants
MatLab skills not useful in the wild
Too used to the comfort of QNC
Software Engineering: 6.5/10
Able to adapt to wilderness after surviving MC Basement
Can reprogram sponsorship drones to steal supplies from other Eng > programs
Unable to form alliances due to divided loyalties between Math and > Eng Faculty
Systems Design Engineering: 9/10
Has a good set of broad skills available; jack of all trades
Willing to take necessary risks for survival and planning
Receives lots of sponsor gifts due to high-level connections with > EngSoc
By Mr. Goose
3 Honk. Honk.Honk Honk honk 8:35P. M., honk 1st Honk, honk honk Honk honk honk honk; honk honk honk honk 6:46, honk honk honk honk honk honk. Honk-Honk honk honk honk honk, honk honk honk honk Honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk Honk honk honk honk honk honk. Honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk, honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk. honk honk Honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk Honk honk honk honk Honk; honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk Honk, honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk, honk honk honk honk honk honk Honk honk.
Honk honk honk honk honk honk, honk honk honk honk honk Honk. Honk Honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk Honk. Honk honk honk honk, honk honk honk, honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk, honk honk honk honk honk honk honk. (Honk., honk honk honk Honk.) Honk honk honk honk, honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk, honk honk, honk honk honk honk honk honk, Honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk Honk. Honk honk honk honk honk honk Honk honk honk; honk, Honk honk honk honk Honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk.
Honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk Honk, Honk honk honk honk Honk Honk, honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk Honk; honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk. Honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk, honk honk honk honk honk honk honk, Honk, Honk honk Honk, honk honk honk honk honk Honk honk;honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk Honk. Honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk Honk Honk, honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk Honk honk; honk Honk honk honk Honk, honk honk honk honk honk Honk Honk, honk honk honk honk-honk honk. Honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk, honk honk honk honk honk honk honk Honk honk honk honk honk honk Honk.
Honkn honk honk Honk honk honk honk honk honk: Honk honk honk Honk, honk honk honk honk honk Honk, honk honk honk honk honk honk Honk; Honk honk honk Honk, honk Honk honk honk Honk honk Honk. Honk honk honk honk honk honk, honk honk honk honk honk honk Honk honk honk Honk. Honk honk honk honk, honk honk honk Honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk Honk honk honk honk. Honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk Honk, honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk; honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk. (Honk., Honk honk honk honk Honk honk honk honk.)
by Tim Apple
Greetings humans,
Here at Apple, we are committed to providing the best possible experience for customers using our products. That is why we beleive that Apple should retain its position as overlords of iEarth.
Billions of people use the iEarth everyday: when breathing, eating and even when sleeping. But we acknowledge that we didn't do it alone. Third parties have contributed a lot to iEarth, for example by making the pick-axes used in the salt mines, and the lead barrels for all the nuclear waste. To help third parties along, we allow them to place their products on the iEarth Everything Store, at least if they meet our quality standards. In our boundless generosity, we only take a 99% cut of their revenue for ourselves.
We have been benevolent overlords of iEarth, and treated everyone equally. Nobody has special privleges on iEarth, especially not in the Everything Store approval process. Except for Netflix. And Amazon. And us, of course. But that’s not a lot!
Unfortunately there is one company that cannot seem to abide by the rules. Epic Games refuses to follow the iEarth Terms and Conditions, which state clearly that they must provide us with 99% of their revenue or risk losing their oxygen supply. These fees are necessary to maintain the quality of iEarth, because if I don't milk that cash cow our investors will fire me and hire someone who will please don't do that please I like being a planetary head of state come on.
Ahem
As I was saying, Epic Games is breaching the iEarth Terms and Conditions, and we're well within our rights under that agreement to exile them to Google Mars. However, a bunch of people have complained to us about our behaviour. Those people will be ignored. Why do you guys got to be such two-and-a-half-star reviews? iEarth is great! In fact, iEarth is easily the best thing since iBread, which we released all the way back in 1984. If you really have a problem with iEarth, you can always just move to Google Mars, though we will be confiscating everything you bought from the Everything Store before you go.
In the meantime please argue in social media on our behalf. No, we won't pay you. No, it will not help you on your journey for nirvana, nor on your journey for the Nirvana (2002) compilation album. But it will make you feel smugly superior, which is why you buy from us right?
By Sweeney "Tim" Todd
Hello fellow kids, how's it hanging?
We aren't playing by Apple's rules, because we're #rebels here to defend your #freedom. We're the little guy, standing up against the Man. Yes, we're a little guy with billions of dollars, but get this: we need more.
We need every child around the world to give us all their parents' money, without a cent going to Apple. If the parents could teach their kids to write a letter to their congressman and lobby in Washington on our behalf, that would be even better. Also, if you could wish upon a star for us, and recommend us to Santa, that would also be a big help.
The first reason is because we're actually so dead. We're so dead guys. Sorry if you depended on anything we made for your business because we are straight up drowning and we're pulling you down with us. So please send us your support: credit card only, no cheques.
The second reason: we can make our imaginary digital currency cheaper. Yes, the electronic tokens that have no value except to download new digital costumes at prices we decide on, those will be cheaper if we prevail. Never mind that we could change the value at any time, for any reason... what do you think this is, bitcoin?
The third reason is that Apple is preventing us from doing exactly what Apple is doing now. That's unfair! We need to be able to make our own Store and squeeze money out of everyone who contributes to it! If we don't, how are we ever going to witness the next season of this drama when we're the ones bullying slightly smaller billion-dollar companies? We need to win against Apple so that we can become Apple, because that is definitely a thing everyone wants.
The fourth reason is that we can't stop at Apple, we need to go after Google, Sony, Microsoft, and Nintendo. In short, we're intending to antagonize pretty much every company we depend on, and that won't be cheap! Only one company can be the stewards of twelve-year-olds' money, and that company is us.
Fight for us in the comments sections! Fight for us in the livestreams! Fight for us in the voice chats! Fight for us in the instant messages! We need all the support you can provide, preferably for free. #Freedom