Geese Raid Across Campus

Kshin Patel - 1A Biomedical
Posted on: November 27, 2019

*** The Tin Soldier is intended to be a humorous and entertaining look at issues and events at the University of Waterloo. As such articles should not be taken to represent real events or opinions, and they should not be associated with the University of Waterloo staff or administration in any way. Any similarities to real world events, people or corporations is purely coincidental – or non-coincidental but meant in an entirely joking manner.***

While many flew from around the world to gather in the small town of Hiko, Nevada with the hopes of finding proof that extraterrestrials do exist, in another part of North America, a similar raid was in the midst of happening with the hopes of finding the ever so valuable “Tool,” the 60’ Ridgid Wrench. The Waterloo geese were on a mission to find the home of the mascot and steal the coveted Tool. What started as a joke quickly spiralled into a plan of vengeance for these geese. The Iron Warrior tried to get an interview with the organizer of this event but was unfortunately turned down. That did not stop us from getting the exclusive scoop on this historical event.

Thousands of geese flew into town early morning on September 19th, the night before the raid to begin planning their route. They departed early in the morning, right when the engineers were walking across campus to begrudgingly reach their 8:30 am classes. The campus was filled with the sounds of the geese hissing and their wings flapping. Unfortunately, there were too many geese that day and some students did not make it to their classes. Fortunately, the injuries were minor, and no one had to be taken to the hospital for any severe casualties.

The geese paraded from the village one green towards the engineering building to prey on unaware engineering students. What started as a normal day for one student quickly turned into a nightmare. They have agreed to give a brief interview to the newspaper as long as they stay anonymous. They described their experience as something straight out of a horror movie. They said, “I was walking up the stairs to E5 and all of sudden you hear hissing, one moment the path is clear and then all of sudden there’s a bunch of geese flocking towards you. I got goosebumps.” They said they were lucky to be close enough to the main doors to be safe inside the building, but many others were not.

Another student who also requested to stay anonymous described their experience as mortifying and unforgettable. They were one of the unlucky few who did not reach the safety of a building in time before the geese wreaked havoc. They said, “they were not ready to surrender without a fight, but the geese were vicious and spared no one. I’m most likely going to scar from some of the bite marks.”

Fortunately, the geese were unsuccessful in getting their wings on the tool and were ultimately defeated and forced to retreat to where they came from. There is no word on whether they plan to return and attempt their heist again or if they have been defeated for good. Some say that there is a high chance of the geese returning to go after another faculty mascot like the legendary Pink Tie or the statue of Porcellino. Could this be an end to all geese attacks as we know it, or has this triggered something far more sinister? Only time will tell, but until then stay safe Waterloo.

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