Waterloo Opens Office for One Legged Pirates

Colour-neutral Beard of the High Seas - 7S One-legged Lives Matter
Posted on: November 28, 2018

*** The Tin Soldier is intended to be a humorous and entertaining look at issues and events at the University of Waterloo. As such articles should not be taken to represent real events or opinions, and they should not be associated with the University of Waterloo staff or administration in any way. Any similarities to real world events, people or corporations is purely coincidental – or non-coincidental but meant in an entirely joking manner.***

The recent FEDS meeting has been heralded as an incredible success, as students unanimously voted to pass a motion opening up an office for students who are one-legged pirates or come from a one legged pirate background.

At the meeting, the FEDS President made a speech on the motion, saying “At the University of Waterloo, it is important that we are a welcoming and diverse community. Pirates represent a marginalized community, who have always been discriminated against by both the law and society. And we believe it’s very important to tackle the intersection of anti-piracy with able-ism and legalism.” His statement was met by a standing ovation.

Undercover naval officers, who were present at the meeting, spoke out against the service, but a majority of students present were unanimous in their support. Edward Teach, of the UW Pirate’s Association, gave a rousing speech in defense of the service.

“If you don’t support this service, you’re bigoted,” he said, flourishing his hook menacingly.

The motion was passed unanimously, with students taking to the Bombshelter afterwards to drink and sing shanties, but in a cultural appropriative manner.

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