50 Shades of Red

E. L. - 3A Health Studies
Posted on: July 18, 2018

*** The Tin Soldier is intended to be a humorous and entertaining look at issues and events at the University of Waterloo. As such articles should not be taken to represent real events or opinions, and they should not be associated with the University of Waterloo staff or administration in any way. Any similarities to real world events, people or corporations is purely coincidental – or non-coincidental but meant in an entirely joking manner.***

The perks of engineering are two-fold, most engineers find as they sit on their computer trying to code. The first perk, Engineer found, is that when you understand the material, the code runs on only the first try – after having failed only a hundred times before. The second “perk” protrudes from his pants, jumping up in excitement at the sight of the no red on his screen.

He caresses the keyboard, the Spacebar giving in to his authoritative commands. But, one light tap to the Spacebar isn’t enough: he hits Tab. Then Enter. As he begins to type the next line of code, the computer in the E3 lab switches itself off. “What a tease,” Engineer thinks as he takes a big breath and a huge gulp and gets down on his knees. With careful maneuvering and using only his finger tips, Engineer feels around for the big button on the CPU and gently presses it, right in the middle. With a reassuring click, the CPU turns back on, and the green light invites Engineer to do more things to the computer.

Engineer finds himself distracted by everyone around him. He knows that some music will definitely set the mood better. He slowly, silently, ruffles through his bag for his earphones. He finds his big Bose headphones first but decides against them; the setting is better suited for his earphones. Besides, it’s not the size that matters, its how he uses them. Engineer knows exactly how to use his device. He tugs the earphones from his bag, and carefully inserts the jack into the CPU and the computer dings in acknowledgement. Engineer slides his hand onto the mouse, and the mouse, understanding the commands, instantaneously succumbs to its master. Engineer opens YouTube and watches a sensual video involving a duck and some grapes. Having procrastinated for about and hour, Engineer commands the mouse, the keyboard, and all other parts of the computer that Engineer can recite by heart, to open the file that he was initially working on. The compliance is beautiful. It is not everyday that Engineer can give orders, so when he can, he does it right.

As the computer screen struggles to find the right code, engineer rubs his leg against the CPU in a quiet reassurance. He can’t remember where he saved the file, but he trusts the computer to be smarter. The CPU becomes hot, reaching a temperature hot enough to put any human to shame. The file finally found and opened displays 51 errors. Guess who has blue balls?

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