The perks of Catcalling – How to impress a girl

Samridhi Sharma - 3A Chemical
Posted on: July 18, 2018

Have you ever been in a situation where you really like a girl but don’t know how to approach her? Do you have the social awkwardness of a person who hates one-on-one encounters but can easily yell their thoughts to the world – in which case I suggest joining a debate team. Do you have the charisma of Michael Scott from The Office and the charm of Gunther from Friends? And do you really, really want to be noticed by the person of your liking? If you said yes to any of the above, I have the solution! Catcall!

Here’s how. If you see someone walking on the street with really nice legs, say, “Hey girl, nice legs!” Girls love it when random people on the street bring everyone’s attention to them. They didn’t shave their legs for nothing. People need to see. The more the better. Also, may I recommend accompanying your comment with a whistle? The higher the pitch of the whistle, the larger the radius it will reach. It will also allow non-English speakers to identify you as a predator, so they can stay away from you.

Once you have her attention, ask her for her number. Yell at her, “Can I get your digits?” Say digits, not phone number, it is imperative. Chances are that she will yell out her phone number back to you, so be ready with writing utensils. It could be that with the distance between you two, you may get the number down wrong so be sure to double check. Yell the number back at her for a thumbs-up. Even after that is done, ring her number right there; you want to be wary of fake numbers.

If she doesn’t give you her number right away, ask her if she has a boyfriend. It is obviously more important to maintain bro-code than it is to respect her decision. She will probably say yes because she doesn’t want to deal with you anymore, so ask her twice. You don’t want her missing out on someone as amazing as you. If she says no and still doesn’t give you her number, ask her if she is gay. Why else would she say no, right? Again, if she says yes, ask her twice.

Finally, and this is the most important tip of all, once this process has been initiated, do not, and I repeat, DO NOT get close to her. She may attack you. Yes, I know it is hard to understand. What did you do to be attacked? You are just appreciating beauty. It is not like you are embarrassing someone in public. It is not like you are leaving her with no option, she can leave whenever she wants. You are definitely respecting her consent. You even asked her if she has a boyfriend, so considerate. But girls are weird to understand – she is probably PMSing and you were the first person who came in her way. It is definitely not your fault.

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