Whispers of an Uprising

Salty But Innocent - 3A Potions
Posted on: July 16, 2017

*** The Tin Soldier is intended to be a humorous and entertaining look at issues and events at the University of Waterloo. As such articles should not be taken to represent real events or opinions, and they should not be associated with the University of Waterloo staff or administration in any way. Any similarities to real world events, people or corporations is purely coincidental – or non-coincidental but meant in an entirely joking manner.***

Dissension in the Potions department is sparking rumours of an uprising. Reasons cited for these include:

  1. Lack of apathy on the part of figures in positions of power. This is common through all levels of the hierarchy, and trickles straight down to the bottom. Although, waterfalling may be a better term, or perhaps “pouring buckets”. This may also be likened to “sprinkling salt”.
  2. Bitches

Now, there have been multiple complaints in the past, so although one particular incident may be a trigger, it does not come out of the blue.

Department policy has acclimatized its students to poor performance; not only do they expect to fail, but they are surprised if more than half the class passes. Where do we find 30% averages? Potions. In fact, interacting with students in other programs gives Potioners anxiety. “What do you mean, your average was ‘only’ 75%?? We’ve never had an average that high in fifty years.”

Let’s not forget that there is another reason Potioners choose not to interact with students in other programs – they only know how to talk about Potions. How to talk to normal people who can’t relate? And more importantly, don’t want to relate? Just don’t do it.

Seeking help is discouraged. “Excuse me”, say the figures in positions of power. “I scheduled one episode of television during this time slot. I am not available to answer questions or discuss difficult concepts.” And so, the Potioners carry on, becoming more lost and alone and salty.

Salt is the great issue plaguing Potions as a department. Mockery and failing averages breed contempt, and salt accumulates like a thick, rind-like exterior, shielding its occupants from events of the real world, and from emotional investment. This may be seen as a positive thing, as these people will survive the apocalypse: Potioners will fit in so well that the bots will not recognize them as a separate species. The Potioners will continue to thrive (although the sense of the word may slightly shift to “continue breathing”) unlike the rest of the vestigial human race who feel things.

Here is a bit more background information, for those who do not quite grasp the depth of salty accumulation. Have you ever had an acquaintance? This does not even have to be your best friend; but at least someone you remotely like. When something good happens to them, are you happy? Or at the very least, indifferent? Because this is not the case with Potioners: when something good happens to their acquaintance, they are salty to such an extent as preventing good things from happening to their acquaintances.

But we digress, and have been digressing. Let us begin by discussing the incident sparking the latest call for reform.

Last year, the department flipped a coin to decide which division of Potioners should be cursed with the least sympathetic figure in positions of power; division B lost the coin toss. This year, they won. After a decidedly mediocre evaluation, division B negotiated a deal to disregard this evaluation following the final, in the case of superior secondary demonstration of knowledge. Division A requested that such a deal be enforced for themselves as well, and a survey was sent out members. On the survey was two options: disregard this poor evaluation in the case of superior secondary demonstration of knowledge, or do not disregard this poor evaluation in any case including the case of superior secondary demonstration of knowledge.

The results of this survey were shocking to the very extreme: many opposed the suggested, and mutually beneficial, deal and hence it did not pass.

Now, one may ask, why one earth may one oppose the suggested, and mutually beneficial, deal?

The short answer: bitches.

The long answer: still, bitches, but allow me to elaborate. Some are living under a dark cloud, touting the benefits of screwing people. They believe that if others look bad, they look better. What type of system is this?

Let’s investigate the extent of such backwardsness:

  1. No one important in your future will ever ask about the performance of your classmates.
  2. No one important in your future will ever appreciate your skill level in screwing people over.
  3. No one who could potentially become important in your future will ever want to become important in your future because of your skill level in screwing people over (aka good luck getting married *cough* Potioners *cough*).
  4. Snakes are not cool. Except the reptile kind. Which are literally cool.

In summary, there are no reasons, selfish or otherwise, to explain this result. It will never harm you, and will likely be beneficial. One would only oppose such a suggestion to harm others.

The final explanation is that the level of salt accumulated upon the flesh of division B is so thick as to question whether there remains any element of humanity underneath. Might the lost coin toss, from last year, be sufficient cause to troll their brother, division A? Might this system have descended to new, previously unattainable, levels of the abyss, in which backstabbing is common place?

Either explanation is possible, and both are deplorable.

So the real question remains: will this incident spark a civil war, or a military coup?

In the first case, division A will turn on division B. The two may have emerged from the same womb, but salt has turned the tables, and backstabbing is the only way to make it in such a world. In the terrible case that division A is too angry to wait for definitive proof supporting such allegations, and that they are incorrect in believing such horrible capabilities of B, the damage will be irreparable. In the even more terrible case that division B was, in fact, in possession of such horrible capabilities, the damage will be astronomical.

In the second case, both will band together, finally rejoining the twin it long ago separated from, to overturn the hierarchical system of figures in positions of power. Armed with hair dryers, they will march as one unit in a show of unity. A grand show it will be, yes, but a show just the same.

As a pessimist, and someone who always tells the truth (I make great cookies), I must share my prediction that they will miserably fail in this very noble endeavour. Potioners could never successfully execute a coup.

In consequence, the Potioners will be banished to the dungeons (oh wait, they already are). They will be tortured with an ungodly quota of work (oh wait, they already are). 95% will be held back (ok, that’s new), leading to a higher accumulation of salt.

And the vicious cycle continues.