The Insights of the EIC

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Posted on: July 16, 2017

*** The Tin Soldier is intended to be a humorous and entertaining look at issues and events at the University of Waterloo. As such articles should not be taken to represent real events or opinions, and they should not be associated with the University of Waterloo staff or administration in any way. Any similarities to real world events, people or corporations is purely coincidental – or non-coincidental but meant in an entirely joking manner.***

Hello world. I am here crying about the state proven by Newton. It consists of dangerous quantities including, but not limited to, mendelevium. Mendelevium is proven to create terrible breath and death. Death can be postponed, although not altogether eliminated. Therefore, comrades, we must take up the red banner and march on Port Stanley. Port Stanley has been the source of zombies and biological weapons. In the event of apocalypse, which will definitely arrive in the near future, there are some pre-emptive steps one can take. Firstly, get ammo, and, if possible, a gun. Secondly, do the responsible thing and learn how to use a gun. Side note: don’t forget to stock up on toothbrushes. Thirdly, buy a gun safe and other appropriate gun safety equipment. Fourthly, test your gun out on small animals and children to make sure you adhere to gun safety procedures. Fifthly, avoid the law.

In the coming revolution, there will be many factions: the fascists, the communists, the liberals, the Liberals, the conservatives, the Conservatives, the pacifists, the atheists, the anarcho-communists, the illegal immigrants, and the extra-terrestrials. To ensure your safety, please remember to sign up for all these groups and carry your business card. Identification clothing patches may become necessary as well, or perhaps tattoos. Shelter can sought in E7, where the forces of the doe place-to-buy-things are sure to mustard. In E7, there will be innovation, disruption, the spirit of Why not?, altars to Feridun Hamdullahpur, and snacks. So join us for the free food!

One night I was walking to stargaze in the Columbia Ice Field at those AstroFire events that Physics Club or something related to Physics Club holds. Anyways, I walked along Columbia Street to get there. In a parking lot, I saw a cat sitting there. Being a cat lover, I approached it in the most inoffensive (to a cat) way possible. I didn’t make eye contact and I walked towards it slowly. As expected, the cat ran away from me when I approached it. I kept following it around the parking lot and got offended when it finally ran under the building. Then I stopped to think, to put myself in the perspective of that cat. To that cat, I am just a weird large hairless creature. I am a stranger and that cat has never seen me before. We have no rapport and the weird furless creature is just incessantly approaching me, not looking me in the eye, and trying to touch me. As a human, if someone attempted that on me in the middle of a parking lot, in the middle of the night, I would be terrified. So I understand you cat, I understand why you would be scared of me. But in my defense, I give great pets and I am very nice to cats.

I am very socially awkward and have weird views on many things. One of these is washroom etiquette. Sometimes when you go to the washroom, other people will join you (Disclaimer: this is from the perspective of a woman). I enjoy the comradery of it all but why? Why do we need to go to the washroom as a pack? Maybe I don’t go outside enough and haven’t been around enough to enjoy the gossip but if I go to the washroom, I either want to go number 1 or 2. Not to have a conversation while trying to pee. I appreciate others being there for moral support while I go to the washroom but come on, I am uncomfortable with that.

Have you ever considered the perspective of a dog? They see us two legged humans as their god. We somehow bring home food to feed them, control giant metal beasts that bring us to places, and are able to throw tennis balls really far. The dog runs out, finds the ball, and returns it to us. We make light appear in rooms even though it is night time and we watch moving pictures of things that aren’t really there. Dogs will never understand the logistics and the science that go into the technology that we know and love. They are too dumb, their brains can not handle that. Then as the dog grows old, their joints become arthritic, their sight weakens and they can’t run for as long anymore. They see their owner, as young as ever, our aging process so much slower than theirs, almost as if we will live forever. Only a few dogs can tell other dogs about outliving their masters. Essentially to dogs we are gods. We provide everything for them and we are the reason they exist. This makes me wonder if there is a human equivalent of that. Something that we live amongst that takes care of us that is beyond our comprehension. If so, what is it? When I grow up, I want to be big. I mean really big, I want to be so big that my life span is near infinite, where the passage of time is slowed so much that a year feels like a second and I can watch the stars form and die. I want to be able to watch glass, an amorphous solid, melt and flow like water over a waterfall. (Copy editor’s note: Glass is not an amorphous solid. See the latest episode of the Titanium Physicist for details).

But that isn’t possible, it would be very cool though. It’s good to dream big though.