A Review of Campus Food

Pepe LeGourmand - 4B Food Criticism
Posted on: November 20, 2016

*** The Tin Soldier is intended to be a humorous and entertaining look at issues and events at the University of Waterloo. As such articles should not be taken to represent real events or opinions, and they should not be associated with the University of Waterloo staff or administration in any way. Any similarities to real world events, people or corporations is purely coincidental – or non-coincidental but meant in an entirely joking manner.***

Having reviewed many Michelin-starred restaurants around the world, it was imperative that I visit the University of Waterloo after hearing such tremendous praise for its cuisine. After all, a food critic’s job is never done until they find food so good, so fulfilling, so wholly gratifying that it allows them to reach an inebriating state of euphoria. Food so good it causes one to lose their will to live. Food so good it touches one’s soul: that is what I have found here at Waterloo.

I tried many fine delicacies on campus, far too many to list here. Instead, I shall provide a more cut-to-the-bone account of several individual meals I enjoyed.

Item 1: Teriyaki Dumpling Bowl With Rice

Dumplings are truly a gift from the gods. Every time I have the pleasure of eating one, I think of an old Chinese proverb: yǎ ba chī jiǎo zi, xīn lǐ yǒu shù – When a mute person eats dumplings, he knows how many he has eaten, even though he cannot speak.

For this dish, I was blessed with the ability to watch its birth, from the very moment the dumplings were taken out of the fridge, to when they were tenderly placed in a crib of steamed rice and vegetables. I was even introduced to a novel idea for food preparation—microwaving! I watched in astonishment as the little bundles of joy spun to life in a matter of seconds.

Item 2: Oven-Baked Bruschetta

The Italians know how to do it best—make good food, that is; namely pizza, pasta, and the lesser-known Bruschetta, an antipasto made with diced tomatoes typically served on toasted bread.

This bruschetta was unlike any other I’ve experienced in my 32 years of being a food reviewer. It was more than a meal; it was an experience. It was a transcendence, a passageway to a better place. First, the bun was thick, so much better than the thin, hard, unforgiving toast on which it is traditionally served on. The cheese—of a variety called ‘marble’ (how elegant!) smothered the tomatoes in melty goodness—like a warm hug!

Item 3: Chicken Shawarma Wrap

As a self-appointed expert in Levantine cuisine, I know my way around a good shawarma. It must be harmonious, as harmonious as the Middle-East itself. The pita must wrap firmly around the fillings, like a passionate embrace—the pita must gently caress the meat, and in return the meat will offer a world of incredible flavour.

This shawarma wrap was no different—perfectly shaped, with just enough girth to satisfy a grown man such as myself. By the end of it, I was left in awe, juices were dripping down my arms: a perfect blend of spicy seasonings and savoury sauce. What a masterpiece.

This journey has been a truly incredible one; it has changed me. I have ascended to a higher level. This Earth can no longer continue to satisfy me. I am thankful for all I have had the immense pleasure of consuming.  I hope to find meals like UWaterloo’s in the afterlife. Goodbye world.