It’s important for students to know what attributes they need to get hired after they graduate. Some common questions you might hear students asking are: “Does my status as a dank meme qualify me for this position?” “Does having no skills count as a skill?” “If I open up an interview with ‘Here come dat boi’ and the interviewer answers ‘O shit waddup!’, does that count as a successful interview?” “If Microsoft is SO FUCKIN LIT and I’m just SO LIT, are they likely to hire me?” Turns out, if everything you say becomes a meme, you become a grad student instead of getting hired by a company. So what are the most effective and/or dank strategies for getting hired?
Everyone knows that going on student exchange is a great way to increase your hireability. Which makes no sense given that all anyone ever does on exchange is drink and party. Oh wait… this is where Microsoft gets all its LIT interns from. In fact, companies are 35% more likely to hire someone who can do a keg-stand, and 40% more likely to hire someone who is just a complete baller. Don’t forget to put that on your resumé! Oh and make sure to mention the one time you brought a bottle of schnapps with a penis straw to class – it really shows the interviewers that you can hold true to your values in a difficult situation. Especially when you describe drinking the schnapps in the middle of class, to everyone else in the room’s astonishment. (That’s an image no one is ever gonna forget.) You gotta be proud of just how waste you are.
But if you’re a 50% kind of guy, and you’ll know that you are one if your goal on every exam is to score exactly 50%, which is just enough to pass, then you can increase your chances of getting hired by 50% by using this simple trick. All you gotta do is get a sex change! That’s right folks, if “ex”change was good for getting hired, then “sex”change must be extra double good! And there’s a very good reason for this: in order to be able to label themselves as “disruptive”, start-ups these days have to do things that would put their “innovative” ancestors to shame. And spitting in the face of a bunch of racist, douchey, pasty businessmen / presidential candidates with shitty orange wigs and no chill by hiring people who have had a sex change is definitely disruptive.
You wanna know what else is disruptive? Smoking dope and playing Pokémon Go while at work is sooooo disruptive. Like, if you thought you had to catch them all before weed, you definitely have to catch them all after weed. That’s because all the Pokémons are hiding in the tall grass. Catching Pokémons at work is a sure way to disrupt your own work and everyone else’s work too. Because once you find that Zaptos in your neighbour’s cubicle, everyone is going to stop working to go for it. Just kidding, you don’t get a cubicle when you’re at a start-up. That’s part of the disruption too. If there’s one thing they say about Waterloo, it’s that Disruption Starts Here.
Leave a Reply