So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish

Somewhat Donovan Maudsley - Skilled at Schooling Interns
Posted on: July 17, 2016

*** The Tin Soldier is intended to be a humorous and entertaining look at issues and events at the University of Waterloo. As such articles should not be taken to represent real events or opinions, and they should not be associated with the University of Waterloo staff or administration in any way. Any similarities to real world events, people or corporations is purely coincidental – or non-coincidental but meant in an entirely joking manner.***

Hey everybody!

This term we have decided to make some major changes to Engineering. For starters, all engineering buildings will be licensed. Not all engineering events, all engineering buildings. This includes offices, classrooms, student lounges, hallways, foyers; if it belongs to engineering there will be a bar installed nearby and alcohol may be consumed there. Not only will the alcohol be available, but it will be expected to be DUSTED once every 2 weeks on a day that will be chosen by a Wheel of Fortune style wheel spun by the Dean on the Monday morning of the beginning of the 2-week period. The alcohol to “dust” will also be chosen this way. For those who don’t or can’t drink beer, there will be a second wheel for liquor and mixed drinks.

We have also been in talks with the faculty, and although we are still refining some of the details, we are pleased to announce that soon you will have the option to complete finals by either writing them as usual or by trial by combat. We are still in discussion over the rules for the combat trials, but both the prof and the student will appoint a champion to participate wearing an inflatable sumo suit and attempting to chest bump the opposing party out of the circle after completing a Wipe Out type obstacle course. Every completed obstacle is positive marks and a failed obstacle will result in retracted marks. Once that is complete, the champions will move onto the Lip Sync Battle phase. Each party will have 1 hour to choreograph and rehearse a song chosen by alumni of the student’s program. The judging panel will be made up of a mix of students and staff from the AHS faculty. The final challenge which be a Pi eating competition, in which the contestants must eat as many cookies in the shapes of the numbers of pi. Who ever gets the furthest along wins that portion of the trial.

Finally, get excited for a brand new exchange option! The University of Waterloo has obtained a new sister school on Mars: Pigfarts. This school is a fierce rival with Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry headed by the infamous Rumbleroar. He’s a lion. Conditions of this exchange do require you to have a rocket ship to get there. If you do not have a rocket ship, please consult the rocketry team sponsored by the Kerbal Space Program, but do so quickly as this exchange will likely be very popular and there will be a significant lead time on rocket ship construction. The rocketry team wanted us to inform you that there is no guarantee that their rockets will make it to Mars and that if they do, you may not be able to come back. Hope you had an amazing term!