In order to keep up with all of the new social media news services, the Tin Soldier has decided to take to Snapchat to fulfill all of your satirical news needs. Snapchat lets us achieve the perfect balance of emojis and serious news. You know, who would be interested in Hillary Clinton’s latest poll numbers if we didn’t represent them with smiley face poop guys? Another advantage to using Snapchat is that the attention span of the average millennial is shorter than that of a squirrel. By compacting everything newsworthy that happened in the last twenty-four hours, and removing everything that millennials find boring, we can make the news take around five seconds. Things that stay in include Kylie Jenner’s opinions on superficial junk that no one can actually afford. Things that get cut include important economic and geopolitical news, because who cares about that?
We’ve been experimenting with names for the account during our trial, including “IRONWARRIORSUX”, and just “TinSoldier”. “50Soldier” is also popular among the staff, using the atomic number for tin. We’re also considering a change in name to the Thulium Solider, as thulium is a much cooler element than tin. It’s the antepenultimate element in the lanthanide series, and it reacts vigorously with the halogens over 200°C. In the office we’re big fans of elements that react with the halogens. This change would make our Snapchat name “69Soldier”.
We’re also looking for your opinions on our new service. We don’t really care about them, but it’s nice to know that people have opinions. Unsolicited genitalia pictures will be considered positive reviews of the service.
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