Humour

Five Things You Really Don’t Want to Know: Looking Foolish

Often, we think of our ancestors as dignified. Period pieces make everyone’s clothes look gorgeous, and most ancient epics don’t include the bathroom breaks. However, if we actually went back in time, we would find that our ancestors smelled horrible and looked ridiculous. Those pretty clothes, even at the royal courts, were badly washed and full of fleas; and often, the fashion trends of the day were stupid and impractical. Not that much has changed, really.

Here are some of the silly-looking things that our ancestors would do.

Mouse-Skin Eyebrows

In Georgian England, fashion standards were quite extreme. Many fashions were disgusting, bizarre, and would have made their wearers look like complete fools. Case in point: false eyebrows made of mouse skin, glued onto the face. While those have not been completely confirmed to exist, it is definitely the case that everyone (in the upper classes) wore massive (and by massive, I mean up to three feet tall) wigs shaped with animal fat. Of course, the animal fat would go rancid and attract vermin; they would also become infested with lice. Entrepreneurs then invented scratching sticks, which were used to scratch your itchy, buggy skull without messing up your hairstyle. Women would also stich random things in their wigs, like flowers (ok, that’s normal), fake birds (a bit much), and model ships (haven’t you always wanted to wear a boat on your head?).

Also, it was thought that birthmarks on the face were extremely attractive. While there is nothing wrong with that, upper-class people began to put fake birthmarks on their face. Some people would overdo it and add a lot of them. Some women, feeling that that was not weird enough, started using the spots to denote their political affiliation.

Possibly the silliest fashion item were “plumpers”, which were little cork balls that people would keep in their mouth if they felt that their cheeks were too thin.

Blackened Teeth

Because toothbrushes and fluoride are modern inventions, it isn’t too surprising that ancient peoples suffered greatly from tooth decay. In most cases, they went for snake-oil treatments and, when teeth fell out, replaced them with false ones. However, in old-timey Japan, upper-class women went “what the heck, they’ll end up that way anyway” and stained their teeth entirely black. This was done by drinking and washing your mouth with iron filings soaked in vinegar. Mmmmm.

Of course, this is probably better than what happened in Europe. There, false teeth were often made from real teeth. Where did they get so many real teeth? Sometimes they would buy them from poor people. But why would you do that, when there are so many perfectly good teeth on dead soldiers on battlefields? That was an actual job, back in the day: going around after a battle was over, pulling teeth out of dead soldiers.

Crossdressing at Weddings

Ancient Sparta is well known for their manliness. Their machoism even extended to brides. Instead of dressing nicely in a white gown, or whatever the women’s fashion was at the time, brides would have their heads shaved and dress in mens’ clothing for their wedding night. (Then their new husbands would break in and kidnap them.)

This may have been because male homosexuality was encouraged in Sparta, and therefore the young men would not have been used to femininity. In fact, it was illegal for a husband to live with his wife until he was 30 years old. Thus, a bride would try to be as manly as possible for her wedding night. Testosterone is all very well, but it seems that yes, one can have too much of a good thing.

Oiling Up

Remember the greasy, smelly wigs from Georgian England? At least those people used it as glue, so it wouldn’t be smeared everywhere. The same could not be said for Ancient Egypt, where upper-class people decorated their heads in the following way:

Since it was hot and gross, everyone would shave their heads. However, since no one wanted to be bald, they would then wear wigs made of human hair, defeating the purpose. Then, because wigs are hot and smelly, they would perfume them.

Obviously, the best way to perfume yourself in hot weather is to wear a cone of scented fat on your head. In the hot temperatures, this would melt and drip all over your wig, and then your face, making everything greasy and smelling (hopefully) nice.

Codpieces: Because Subtlety is for the Weak

There is one area which gentlemen throughout the ages have liked to brag about and advertise the size of. Nowadays, that is mainly done through innuendo, private photography, and presidential debates, but in Renaissance Europe, upper-class men wanted to show their prowess off to the entire world.

Enter the codpiece, an item of clothing designed to “cover” the genitalia, which it did–nominally. However, it was also brightly coloured and highly decorated, and held the region in a prominent, erect position. Even armour sometimes contained a codpiece, because if there is one area you want a large, angry enemy knight with a weapon to see clearly, it’s that one.

So far, so good, one might say. A little harmless bragging never hurt anyone, and it would allow you to judge men’s, err, proficiencies without having to look at the size of their hands. However, behind the codpieces often lurked a dark secret, and it wasn’t merely padding.

No, this was the age when syphilis was raging through Europe, striking people down right at left. Most noblemen kept numerous mistresses, and thus it was only a matter of time before their genitals started to rot off (serves them right). For this reason, the codpiece was often full of bandages and whatever passed for medication at the time, all surrounding a blistered, festering member.

Not content with their massive codpieces, men also would wear pointed shoes. Of course, the point on the shoes were also intended to represent their manhood, because at this point it had become a fixation.

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