As anyone who has studied history (or read this column last term) knows, people in the past were pretty darn gross. They haven’t improved since last term, either. Let’s have a look at some more of the awful things our ancestors have done.
The British used to blow smoke up people’s asses, literally
If you rescue someone who has almost drowned, what do you do? Try to get the water out of their lungs? Perform CPR? If you’re an English doctor in the 1700s, you get out your pipe and a pair of bellows, and pull down their pants.
For some inexplicable reason, this was considered to be a sure-fire way of resuscitating a dying person. In fact, it was such a popular method of first-aid that sets of pipes and bellows were hung strategically along the Thames, and people were expected to know how to use this necessary emergency equipment. Doctors believed that the smoke would make a person’s insides warmer and drier.
I can only imagine that this worked quite well in a few cases.
Bystander: “Oh no! This person has nearly drowned! Whatever shall we do?”
Doctor: “Remove their trousers, my good fellow, and commence the tobacco enema!”
Drowned person: “No! Nooooooo! I’m all right! I’m fine! Get that pipe away from me!”
Also, imagine what happens if the hot coals from the pipe get in?
Alcohol can be made from everyone’s spit
Chicha is a kind of alcoholic beverage from South and Central America, usually made of corn. Traditionally, it could be made of saliva as well. In some (not all) areas, people would prepare the drink by chewing up balls of corn, and then either drying it or spitting the balls into a container. Note that this was a community effort: everyone would join in with the chewing. It would be rather effective, as the enzymes in the saliva would break down the starches in the corn. The resulting paste would contain more sugar, leading to better fermentation.
South America isn’t the only place for this – in more ancient times, other cultures would chew their alcohol before brewing it. In fact, not just alcohol can be prepared this way—some native American meat recipes would involve the fat being chewed up beforehand in order to make it juicier.
Make reindeer more tame!
The Saami (also known as Lapps) live in the northernmost parts of Finland and Norway, and have been famous for herding reindeer for millennia. No one knows more about handling reindeer herds than the Saami.
With male reindeer, herders have a dilemma. Fully-grown male reindeer are mean and ornery. They also focus on mating all the time, instead of working or surviving the winter. On the other hand, if you castrate the reindeer, they aren’t as big and strong.
The solution: Half-castrate them! You may think that this means”remove only one testicle,” but the reality is far more disgusting.
Chewing on the testicles destroys them enough that the reindeer buck becomes sterile, but still produce a certain amount of testosterone. These reindeer are more gentle, and grow larger and stronger than uncastrated bucks. Thus, about half of the males will at some point be half-castrated. The men will hold him down, but the chewing is traditionally done by women.
Are the men sympathetic to the reindeer’s plight? Are they afraid of getting kicked in the face? Or do the women do it to threaten their husbands and keep them in line? Take your pick. I have the feeling that Saami men tread very carefully around their wives.
The Lioness and the Cheese-grater (Rule 34 away!)
The Ancient Greeks had just as much interest in sex as we do, obviously. They also had equally dirty minds. “Crouching like a lioness on a cheese-grater” is something so dirty that we aren’t even sure what is today.
In the play “Lysistrata” by the Greek playwright Aristophanes, the women of the city agree not to sleep with their husbands until they resolve the war they are in the middle of, as the women are tired of the constant fighting, They swear an oath not to perform numerous acts, one of which is the aforementioned “lioness-on-a-cheese-grater.”
It might have been just a joke, except that when archaeologists found the menu for an ancient brothel, the most expensive item was our old friend the lioness caught in a compromising position with kitchenware.
Scholars are still not certain what this means, though they suspect it might have something to do with the fact that ancient cutlery often had handles shaped like animals. (And yes, scholars have given a great deal more thought to this than is strictly necessary.) We sincerely hope that that is the case, as sex and cheese-graters don’t mix well. Trust me.
If you can think of a more likely meaning for this expression, feel free not to write to us. Keep it to yourself.
And speaking of romance…
Of course, as mentioned in a previous article, the ancients had numerous love potions and anti-love-potions. Because there is no limit, let’s see a few more. I love giving my readers ideas.
For example, if you are in love with someone who doesn’t love you, but are too ethical to use a love potion, why not put their poop in your shoes and walk around? That will cure you of your infatuation. Smearing mouse poop on your skin as a cream also works. Some more tips from the ancient Romans: putting bull’s poop in a drink is an aphrodisiac, as is the bull’s pee applied to the genitalia. If you want to prevent your wife from loving anyone else, stab a frog with a reed through the cloaca until the reed comes out of its mouth, then dip the reed in her menstrual blood. (Note to anyone who does this: your wife is not staying with you because she loves you. She is staying with you because she is terrified of you, because you are clearly a serial killer.)
The Chinese recommended that men boil a sheep’s eyelid in hot tea (Why the eyelid? Who knows.) and then rub it on their member to improve performance. Presumably they should wait until it cooled down, though.
And that’s all the creepy romance we have time for today.
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