Aries (March 21-April 19)
It’s been a sluggish week for you as Jupiter is still locked in equilibrium with Saturn. The wheels are spinning like crazy, but you’re getting nowhere fast. Take a step back to realize that the chain on your bicycle has been broken for a month. Time to get that replaced.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
A prolonged and dull relationship will finally come to an end as the decisive Mars moves into your 10th House of Couples. This is where the excuse “The Universe said so!” comes in handy.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You’re stuck in a rut as you find that your usual solution isn’t doing much to solve your new problem. Try drinking twice the normal amount.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Your sign takes a physical meaning this week as the deadly Pluto activates a series of cell mutations, causing them to grow and metastasize at an alarming rate. This is definitely the reason for those random and odd discomforts you might be feeling lately.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
A laborious lab report will have you sleepless for days as you try to derive some meaning from your hogwash results (blame your lab mates). Even the stars know there’s nothing that can save you from data analysis.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
You will feel an unusual surge of confidence this week. Use this opportunity to reconcile with that old high school nemesis you’ve been avoiding since frosh, and update them on your academic/co-op achievements (both real and theoretical).
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Romance is in the air as Venus shines extra brightly in the night sky. Seize this opportunity by posting ambiguous messages on Spotted. With Venus on your side, it will speed things up right away.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
When Mercury enters your 11th House of Wisdom, you will feel that your intelligence suddenly increases by tenfold—at least. There will be no need to study for that calculus final now.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
You are delighted to find that you’re feeling a special connection with someone you just met. Unfortunately everything goes down the drain when you find out they don’t care for Game of Thrones or John Green.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Your world has been spinning at an incredible rate recently. This is in turn causing the passage of day and night, as well as those bothersome Coriolis winds in the tropical regions.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
You’re wasting your potential by living life as you do now….. but not as much as you’re wasting your potential energy by not jumping off high places.
Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)
You finally gather the courage and reveal your 12th House of Secrets to your room mates, which unfortunately means you will need to seek a 2nd House of Residence for next year.
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